Other “poorly worded” Liberal policies

Thursday was a real dog-ate-my-homework day for the Coalition.

First there were the long-awaited policy costings which, by their own calculations, offer a measly $6 billion in savings over four years. Then there was the internet filter fiasco. The mandatory internet filter which everyone, including the Liberal party opposed when Labor proposed it, and which was quietly dropped by Labor last year would have been back under a Liberal government. I say “would have been” because they reversed the policy a couple of hours later. Tony Abbott said that he quickly read the policy the previous night and though that it meant optional PC-based software (presumably there isn’t a Mac version) and shadow communications minister Malcolm Turnbull tweeted that the policy “wrongly indicated” support of an opt-out system.

It can only lead one to wonder what other “poorly worded” policies the Liberals have rushed out that give a misleading view of their intentions and may not be picked up in the next 24 hours…

• “WorkChoices dead, buried and cremated” should read: “Dead, but being resurrected.”
• “Paid Parental Leave,” is a typo. Should be, “Maid parental leave,” which is the coalition’s policy for compensating the head of the house when their domestic staff take leave.
• “Operation Secure Borders,” actually refers to safer online book shopping.
• “Stop the boats,” has a word left out. Should read: “Stop reporting the boats.”
• “Direct action,” is not actually a policy but a page from the script of one of their television commercials that fell into the wrong folder.

The new Australian history

Following the news that Tony Abbott wants to rewrite the history curriculum, I wonder what a Liberal-approved Australian history curriculum would look like…


Once upon a time, there was a big wide country with nobody in it.

Then one day, some enterprising young men set out on an expedition to see what there was in part of the world that couldn’t be seen.  Led by Captain Cook, they discovered a land of boundless riches and claimed it for His Majesty the King, as was the culture.

Labourers were needed to maximise the value of this wonderful new continent. As luck would have it, the Mother Country had an oversupply of nasty people. So they decided to send the nasty people to this wonderful new continent. It was to everyone’s advantage. Great Britain got to have its nasty people taken away, and the nasty people got to see the world and learn the value of hard work.  Their hard work was rewarded with their eventual freedom and some were even allowed to own some parts of the new country to help develop both their own and the nation’s potential.

The plan worked so well that eventually Great Britain didn’t need to send nasty people there any more and the new country didn’t need to have them sent and everyone was happy. The new country still received many great gifts form the mother country such as western civilisation, the Westminster system of government, and rabbits.

Eventually, it was time for this great new place to become an independent country called Australia, but you are always a part of your family and although Australia was no longer governed by Great Britain, there were ties that could never be broken.

The strength of these ties was shown in 1915 when, as Britain went to war, so did Australia and in this way, Australia became a man. The first operation was Gallipoli and there was forged the Anzac spirit of always obeying your betters. A few things went wrong but the war was won.

In the 1930s, there was the great depression. Back then, they understood that it would be foolish to try some left-wing scheme of stimulating the economy. We came out stronger for it. Many people would have starved to death if it weren’t for the rabbits that were brought over many years earlier, which tells us that the wisdom of our ancestors isn’t always apparent at the time and that we should not question the judgement of those in authority.

The 1930s also introduced us to the greatest ever Australian, Sir Donald Bradman. For those of you with older books that mention Henry Lawson or Weary Dunlop, cross those out.  Sir Donald Bradman was a man who was very good at playing cricket and he was the greatest ever Australian. Yes, even greater than John Howard. That’s how great he was.

There was another war and this time, while Australia was defending Britain, Australia herself was attacked and was placed in the sad position of having to bring her soldiers back from Europe in order to defend herself.

After the war, Australia’s equal greatest prime minister Sir Robert Menzies founded the Liberal Party of Australia as a new alternative to union thugs. He ushered in a Golden Age of prosperity and happiness throughout the 1950s and 60s. Of course, someone had to build all this prosperity, and because Great Britain wasn’t sending us her nasty people any more, we had to let others into the country. They weren’t really nasty, just foreign, and that was nasty enough at a time when people were used to being just like Great Britain only sunny. Eventually, the foreigners learned to be proper Australians so that was alright.

To maintain the balance, Australia made it easier for nice people from Great Britain to come here, and that’s how we got great Australians like Tony Abbott.

Sadly, Sir Robert Menzies could not govern forever and things went downhill after his retirement. Firstly, some people started saying that there actually were people in Australia before it was discovered by Captain Cook, but that’s all in the past now so there’s no point dwelling on it.

Then in the 1970s, after decades of irrelevance, the unionists came to power in Canberra and immediately started dangerous and irresponsible policies like free education and national health cover. Eventually, the Liberal opposition was forced, for the good of the country, to block the government’s money bills. In the face of this crisis, Governor General Sir John Kerr did the only thing he could do and dismissed the government, prompting a new election and thankfully, order was restored.

Apart from Australia winning the America’s Cup, nothing much happened after that until the election of Australia’s other equal greatest prime minister, John Howard, who brought with him a second Golden Age of safety, stability and security.

Unfortunately for all of us, Mr Howard lost the 2007 election and the incoming government reversed many of his policies because they weren’t “politically correct.” Write that down now, and be sure to use the inverted commas, they are very important.

These days, Australia has lost her way, having lacked the strong guidance of business and free enterprise, which is why we should redouble our efforts to return Australia to the greatness she enjoyed during the Menzies and Howard years.

And now for the test:

Australia is…
A: Awesome    
B: Totally awesome   
C: The greatest country in the world   
D: I’m a “politically correct” leftie unionist thug and I hate Australia
  
 

The adults in the room

Another morning, another press conference from Tony Abbott talking about how “adult” he is.

Do you know how to spot an adult?
They’re the ones who don’t need to brag that they’re adults.

Maturity, like intelligence, is self-evident. Have you ever seen Bob Hawke, Kim Beazley or Malcolm Turnbull waving their Rhodes scholarships in people’s faces in order to counter a perception that they’re a bit dim? Of course you haven’t, because their knowledge, education and intelligence is obvious, regardless of what you think of them politically.

Adulthood is not poking your tongue out at the speaker of the house.
Adulthood is not telling the nation that they should vote for you because someone in Corangamite dropped his dacks and then following it up by quoting a bum joke.

Show me someone who talks a lot about how mature and adult he is, and I’ll show you a petulant child with ambitions above his ability.

Rock and Roll is dead

I've always been slightly bemused by the way every rebellious, revolutionary generation whose parents just don't get it, looks at subsequent generations and says their fashion, music and culture is all rubbish.  Just accept that whatever you listened to between the ages of 13 and 30 is always going to feel more important to you than anything else, regardless of artistic merit. I am as guilty as anyone else. I find a lot of modern music offensive, purely on a creative level, but since I'm on the wrong side of 40 now, I'm sure that's the point. 

So when your favourite bands - formerly edgy and dangerous bands like the Rolling Stones, The Ramones and Guns 'n' Roses - are the new feature of a Fathers Day sale at one of the more downmarket chains of affordable apparel and cheap undies, it's time to admit you're just not cool any more.

Any boost to Best & Less's street cred by having a range of rock shirts is surely outweighed by the blow to the street cred of the bands by being sold at Best & Less.

Hope I die before I get old.
 
 

I invite you, if you can stomach it, to listen to, or read, the speech of the deputy opposition leader and shadow minister for foreign affairs, Julie Bishop MP at the LNP's campaign launch in Brisbane last Sunday:

In a Abbott government, this wannabe comedian would be our head diplomat.

Vote for whoever you want.

Tony Abbott has gone mad

Tony Abbott has gone completely MAD!!!

Now he's offering cash for boats!*

Fishing boats, passenger boats, a leaky old tinnie - Tony's buying the lot!

It doesn't matter if you're an honest fisherman or a callous people smuggler. If you've got something that will float, Tony Abbott offering you cold, hard, Aussie cash!**

If that's not the craziest thing you've ever heard, then Tony guarantees it's all Julia Gillard's fault.



*No, Really!
** Offer only available in Indonesia.

Once again, unless you're from Victoria and of a certain age, you might need this to get the reference:

If Abbott had kept going...

Matthew da Silva wrote a great observation on Tony Abbott’s ‘shut up’ moment last night, that it was basically Abbott reverting to type.  I agree completely.  Anyone who has ever been to high school has come across the kind of meathead with more ambition than talent, who likes to suck up to the crowd with bullying.  And anyone who has ever been to school can probably imaging what would have come next if Abbott hadn’t quickly remembered that he’s trying to keep himself nice – or at least keep plausible deniability for his boorishness.

Probably something like this…

Does this guy ever shut up?
I mean c’mon, does he ever bloody shut up! On and on and on!
“Oh look at me! I’m Kevin Rudd. I wear glasses, that means I’m smart. I go on about programmated special whatsits.”

I mean, what you’ve gotta remember about old Ruddy here is… He was beaten by a girl!
No shit! He was dead set beaten by a girl!  And not just any girl. He was beaten by a redhead! How pathetic can you be?
[sings]
Kev got beat by a giii-irrrrl!
Kev got beat by a giii-irrrrl!
Kev got beat by a giii-irrrrl!

Oh no, I’m sorry Kev. I didn’t mean it. I don’t wanna make you cry again.

But you’ve got to admit it’s pretty pissweak that it took you three years to get her back. And now that you’ve finally got her back for beating you, now you’re getting your arse kicked by a bunch of darkies in boats. I mean, who cares if they drown or if they’re getting shot at. It’s not our problem, is it?

Kev’s big idea now if that we ought to allow queers to marry each other. Who cares? Why’s Kev so friendly with poofters now?  Makes ya wonder, doesn’t it? You a poofter, Kev? I reckon Kev might be a poofter.

He keeps whingeing about policy detail. What a dropkick! We’re not all as boring as you, Kev! Some of us have lives. Some of us know how to have fun. You want costings? Okay mate, you know what? I’ve got your costings RIGHT HERE [grabs crotch].

Oops. I probably shouldn’t do that around Kev. He might think I’m a bit of alright. I’d better keep my back to the wall in case he wants to give me one up the arse.

Australians want a real man for prime minister. Just get a load of this [lifts shirt]. Pure Aussie muscle, that! I got that ’cos I was out surfing and doing triathlons while Kev was practicing how to talk ching-chong. I’ve driven fire trucks. I bet Kev hasn’t even driven a Tonka truck! [pauses to laugh at his great wit]

You’ve got a clear choice at this election. You can have boring old mister nerdy four-eyes brainiac  here, or you can have someone who looks like a real Aussie, acts like a real Aussie and talks like a real Aussie.
Now I’ll see you all in the bar where it’s my shout.
Bye, Kev! Say hi to your boyfriend for me!


Remember that a “gaffe” is usually when you forget to not say what you really think.