08 December, 2018

The problem with Rudolph

Never mind Baby It’s Cold Outside or Fairytale of New York. If you want to talk about bad messages in Christmas songs, try Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

You see, Rudolph was born different. To wit: he had a very shiny nose. For this, all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. Furthermore, they excluded him from their reindeer games.

However, Santa sees the value in Rudolph's uniqueness and gives him a special job to which he is especially suited. And then how the reindeer loved him!

Now you might think Santa is being pretty cool promoting Rudolph to the most popular reindeer and making the other reindeer accept him, but that’s not really what happens. He could have stopped the rest of the team teasing him any time he wanted, but he didn’t until he had a use for Rudolph.

And did the reindeer really love him? I doubt it. They were never shown the error of their ways. They only accepted Rudolph because Santa made him special, so they were really just sucking up to the boss.

The moral of the story? Reindeer are dicks and Santa will stick up for you if he has a use for you. If I were Rudolph, I’d have led them all up a ditch.


17 November, 2018

Top Ten Awesome Babble Songs

I’m currently reading Hang the DJ, an Alternative Book of Music Lists. It goes beyond the typical Top Ten Guitar Solos and sticks to very specific criteria. The first chapter, written by Owen King, tells you everything you need to know about the type of lists in the book: Ten Essential Stutter songs (for example, Muh-muh-muh-My Sharona and Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes.)

In selecting Talking Heads’ Psycho Killer, Owen King admits it only works if the final syllable is actually ‘far’ and not merely another ‘fah’ which would make it “better suited for the Top 10 Awesome Babble Songs.” Which gives me an idea…

This does not include scat singing or anything similar, but only songs where the babble is an integral part of the song, and often even the title.

10: Doo Wah Diddy - Manfred Mann

It’s really just your typical boy-meets-girl and they fall in love song. Only in this one, they’re singing ‘Doo wah diddy, diddy dum, diddy do.’ As you do.

9: Tutti Frutti - Little Richard
Apart from Mr Penniman listing some of the gals he’s got, the song is almost all babble. Although the title may also be an ice cream flavour an ‘aw rooty’ is allegedly a slang term for ‘all right,’ it hardly enhances the meaning of the song, whatever it may be. Awopbopaloobop Alopbamboom’s meaning has only come since the song.

8: Be-Bop-a-Lula - Gene Vincent
Any song that commits the lyrical sin of rhyming ‘baby’ and ‘maybe’ ensures that even if all the other words are utter drivel, they still won’t be the worst thing about the song. Like Yabba-Dabba-Doo, Be-Bop-a-Lula has no particular meaning but you still know it means something good.

7: Da Do Ron Ron - The Crystals

Another piece of babble that you just know means… something! All the great innocent pop has a sexuality bubbling underneath and you have to figure out what it means for yourself. Bruce Springsteen made it obvious that when they kissed, fire! But in Phil Spector’s teen symphony, when he walked her home, Da do ron ron! If you know what I mean.

6: Hey Jude - The Beatles
Perhaps a controversial choice, but any song where over half of the single’s 7-minute length is: ‘Nah, nah, nah, nananah nah, nananah nah, Hey Jude!’ surely has to count.

If that doesn’t work for you try…

5:  Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da - The Beatles
Far from being a twee nursery rhyme that some people consider it to be, it’s far more political than that. It’s easy to forget this was the time of Enoch Powel and his ‘blood in the streets’ speech. Paul McCartney’s simple story of a multicultural family being just as ordinary as can be, set to a calypso beat, was a sly put-down to all that. While John Lennon might have been more likely to just say, “Don’t be racist, you pigs!” Paul was a bit more subtle than that. Almost too subtle.

4: The Boxer - Simon and Garfunkel
No-one said babble songs had light or fluffy. Paul Simon has admitted the ‘Li-la-li’ chorus was a simply a placeholder for lyrics that never came, and his embarrassment about it. He shouldn’t be so hard on himself. It works. What I never understood was why in the middle of the chorus of this most gentle and sensitive song, there’s a massive drum hit drenched in reverb that comes at you like a punch in the face. Like a punch in the… oh, right. The Boxer. Now I get it.

3: #9 Dream - John Lennon
John Lennon was a master of nonsense. This is quite a talent. A silly, off-the-cuff lyric from Paul McCartney sounds like a silly, off-the-cuff lyric but John could write about semolina pilchards climbing up the Eiffel Tower like it was the most profound thing you ever heard. You’ve either got it or you haven’t.

In its wider context, the chorus of ‘Ah! Bowakawa, pousse pousse’ sounds to the monolingual ear like it could be a message to Yoko in Japanese. In fact, they’re just the words John heard in the aforementioned dream. Yet his delivery assures you that there must be more to it than just that.

2: De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - The Police
Even as a classically trained post-punk in the late 70s, Sting took himself rather seriously. It’s tempting to think the title and hook of this song might be yet another pretention. It was on an album called Zenyatta Mondatta, after all. Mercifully, there was no deeper meaning. It’s simply a song about being tongue-tied before the object of one’s affections, and who can’t relate to that? It’s meaningless and all that's true.

1: Sussudio - Phil Collins
It’s still a boy-meets-girl song with a babble title and chorus. This time, the narrator invites the listener to say the word because it makes him feel so good. Try it for yourself. Go on, say, “Su-Sussudio.” Does it make you feel so good? Of course it doesn’t!

Phil Collins is problematic on a few levels but there’s no denying he completely nailed it here. Every single line and lick is a hook, and if the first keyboard riff bears a striking resemblance to Prince’s 1999, it’s probably no accident. This is probably the most-mid 80s song ever. You couldn’t design one better if you tried. You want to hate it but you can’t. Admit it.

28 September, 2018

The presumption of innocence

I think it’s time we had a little chat about the presumption of innocence.

First and foremost: I’m all for it. Let’s get that out of the way right now.

A central pillar of justice in the civilised world (and you can take that any way you like) is that an accused person is considered innocent until proven guilty beyond reasonable doubt in a court of law.

Essentially, this means that you can’t be thrown in prison (or worse) just because someone says you did something. Of course, this is exactly what happened to untold thousands if not millions of people, but we don’t want to make the white men feel TOO uncomfortable, so we’ll stick to the present day for now.

The presumption of innocence does NOT mean ignoring all accusations and refusing to hear from the accusers.

Embed from Getty Images

Let’s imagine your car has been stolen, and you saw who did it. You report it to the police.

You: “My car has been stolen. I know who did it. I saw him. He is…”
Officer: “WHOA! Hold on a moment sir! This man has a right to the presumption of innocence! Do you expect us to believe he stole your car just because you come in here and say so? You haven’t presented any evidence!”
You: “But I know his name! I’ve seen him around before. He grabbed my keys when they fell out of my pocket. I have pictures here on my ’phone and that’s him over there!”
Suspect: “I didn’t do it.”
Officer: “It’s your word against his, sir. And you’ve admitted you gave him the keys.”
You: “I didn’t GIVE him the keys, he…”
Officer: “I am placing you under arrest for defaming this good man. Anything you say may be used against you.”

Yes, that does sound ridiculous, but it is essentially the premise of those who are defending Brett Kavanaugh. Of course he has the right to the presumption of innocence and I am making no comment on his innocence or otherwise. What I am saying is that the presumption of innocence does not say allegations should not be investigated. Allowing for the possibility he may be innocent of all charges does not mean he should just be appointed to one of the most powerful positions in the United States without due diligence.

My own job requires me to have a police check every year and a deeper check for working with children every five years. If I have a criminal record, the fact that I am free to work should prove I have paid any debt to society I may have, so why should I be treated to this extra scrutiny? The answers should be obvious. There are positions of responsibility where certain aspects of your past, however much you may have grown and changed since then, will forever preclude you from holding such a position. It may seem unfair, but at least you’ve never been hanged from a tree just because… oops, sorry. I said I wouldn’t go there, didn’t I?

The doctrine of innocent until proven guilty does not mean no evidence of guilt should be sought. Those who claim the presumption of innocence from the moment an accusation is made, are possibly doing it for want of a better defence. As for Mr Kavanaugh, I hope that justice is done, whatever that may involve.

15 July, 2018

Personality politics – a beginner’s guide

One of the latest buzzwords in political debate across the world wide wank is “personality politics.”

Now personality politics has been with us ever since we’ve had politics, or indeed personalities but it turns out in 2018 it’s a bad thing.

It’s probably easier to illustrate than to describe the phenomenon, so here are a couple of examples:

Turnbull and Morrison: Billion dollar Bill! Unbelieva-Bill! Electricity Bill! Impossi-Bill!
Labor: Isn’t it interesting how Malcolm Turnbull is exactly the type of person who stands to gain the most from his own tax policy?
Liberals: UM-AH! That’s personality politics! That’s not allowed! I’m dobbing!

Or perhaps try this example:

Trump: Crooked Hillary! Lyin’ Ted! Little Marco! Little Rocket Man! Angry Democrats! Pizza-gate! Bill Clinton is a rapist! Mexicans are rapists! Sloppy Steve!
Democrats: Here is a man who is a multiple bankrupt, has hundreds of lawsuits against him, over a dozen allegations of sexual assault, has bragged about being able to sexually assault women with impunity, in the same conversation he brags about cheating on his third wife (not that this should disqualify him from office, but Republicans seem to have had objections to marital infidelity in the past), there is credible evidence he has ties to organised crime in both New York and Moscow, he invited another country to commit espionage against the United States, he used a profanity at a campaign rally and doesn’t seem to know very much about anything other than what’s on television. Are you sure this is the type of person we want running the country?
Trump supporters: WAH! You’re playing personality politics! That’s not fair! Mom! They’re cheating!

Do you see a pattern emerging here?

If you’re a right winger telling lies about progressives, that’s free speech and must be defended at all costs because it’s the foundation of our political discourse.

If you’re a progressive telling the truth about the right wing, then that’s personality politics and is everything that’s wrong with modern political discourse.

I hope that helps.

01 July, 2018

On civility

In the wake of a private business invoking its right to refuse service on moral grounds – a right recently upheld by the US Supreme Court in a slightly different context – there has been much chatter from some unusual sources about the need for civility in public discourse.

It’s as if some people just woke up from a 25-year coma last week. To the people who have suddenly noticed the lack of civility, I have this to say:

We TRIED civil discourse. We WANTED civil discourse.
You gave us chants of “Lock her up!” “Drain the swamp!” and “Build the wall!”
You gave us Steve Bannon, Kellyanne Conway, Alex Jones, Stephen Miller and Pepe memes.
You called us snowflakes (among many other names) when we dared to suggest this was not productive.
And you have the gall to ask for civility now?

One of the first refuges of a bully is to accuse his target of his own worst behaviour.

We are playing by your rules now.
If you can’t take the heat, allow me to show you the kitchen door. And I don’t care if it hits you in the ass on your way out.

23 May, 2018

How to be a larrikin

G’day me ol’ chinas! It’s time for another lesson in How to be a Larrikin, or as we like to call it here at The Larrikin Institute:

Lift yer game, son!

Today we’re gunna talk about how to whinge about dealing with the government.

Now every bugger and his dog hates dealing with the government so ya might reckon this’ll be a lay down misere, but you’d be barkin’ up the wrong trouser leg.

Y’see, there’s this drongo in Queensland (which is where they breed all the best drongos) who had ta deal with a mob called MyGov, an’ they asked him if it was okay to identify him as male. Bit of a queer question fer sure, but there’s a right way and a wrong to go about sayin’ so if you’re gunna be a proper bloody Aussie larrikin about it.



Now a few proper larrikins got into him on the innernet, so he goes and makes a video reading out some of the sledging he got an’ tries to explain how he doesn’t want the Aussie larrikin nature hijacked by the left wing politically correct brigade, whatever the bloody hell that is when it’s at home.

Now look mate, no proper larrikin gives a piece of cold cocky poop about political correctness gone mad. A larrikin shrugs an’ says, “Well, that’s a bit a’ bullshit isn’t it?” and goes back to fishin’ or drinkin’ or rootin’ or whatever make him happy. That’s ’cos a proper larrikin doesn’t take himself too bloody seriously, ya mug!

While we’re here, larrikins don’t make sure their picture of the queen is visible in their picture. We know that game. That lark’s for toffs. Captain Cook means having a squiz but we’ll get to that later.

Finally, you’ll look a prize dill if you have a whinge about some stick you got when they’re all beating your arse at being a larrikin. So next time, get your hand off it. Nobody likes a sook.

That’ll do for now. Next week, I’ll show youse the difference between bein’ a knockabout larrikin and whingeing about some poor buggers dealt a tougher hand. ’Til then, last one out shouts! Seeyalater.

09 May, 2018


This post is inspired by the most excellent Instagram profile selfloveclubb. Her posts along these lines really resonate with me. When you live with anxiety and/or depression (because sometimes it’s one, sometimes it’s the other, sometimes it’s both, and sometimes you don’t even know), you get used to wearing a mask. Not out of any shame or stigma, just out of expedience.

To quote the classics, if there’s a smile on my face, it’s only there trying to fool the public. And when you deal with the public as I do, they don’t want to talk to a misery-guts and nor should they be expected to. I may have a depression/anxiety condition, but I’m still a professional. A client once told me how nice it was to see my happy, smiling face and it actually took me a minute to realise he wasn’t taking the piss. It was then that I realised I must be a good actor.

There’s probably something to be said for trying to act normal – whatever that means. In fact, I can measure the level of my struggle by how many people I can or can’t hide it from. Being highly distractible helps. I can forget about it while I deal with other things. Then when there’s a lull, I remember I’m me and go back to struggling with that.

If someone looks sad, anxious or depressed, they probably are. If they look happy, they still could be sad, anxious or depressed. This is not so much to talk about my struggle as it is to express solidarity with others who are struggling, in whatever way for whatever reason.

After I posted this on Instagram the other day, a friend sent me a private message saying that they were experiencing something similar and what a help it was just to hear someone else express it. That has been my experience too. I don’t care what anyone else says about social media, it was the first thing that made me feel normal. I discovered I wasn’t a minority of one by seeing other people’s stories. In fact, I’ve been astounded at how many friends I have made who I later learned had similar experiences. We all wear masks. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s sometimes necessary, but it’s bloody exhausting.

20 April, 2018

Morrissey: I know it’s over

Many have pondered this week how Morrissey fans can possibly process some of the comments he has made in his latest interview. (You can read it here, if you must). Allow me to offer one fan’s thoughts.

First, I’ll establish my credentials. I first discovered The Smiths in 1988, just after their breakup. I became an instant fan and, by extension, a fan of Morrissey’s solo work which was essentially a continuation of The Smiths at first. I’ve also been a massive fan of Johnny Marr ever since and I’ve loved everything he’s done, including Electronic and Stex.

It took me 25 years to finally see Morrissey. When he first toured Australia in 1991, he cancelled the show due to ill health (which became something of a trademark of his tours). He didn’t tour again for 11 years and when he did in 2002, my date cancelled on me and I missed out again. He stayed away another decade and when his 2012 tour dates were announced, I was already booked to be out of the country. I had the option to change my travel plans but given his habit of cancelling shows, it wasn’t worth the risk. He came back less than three years later but only played the Vivid Festival in Sydney. Was it worth going in the ticket ballot and booking flights and accommodation for Sydney? It was not. Dates for the rest of the country were announced for October 2016 and finally, after a quarter of a century of delays and disappointment, I actually got to see Morrissey. Can you think of a more Morrissey story?

He was in fine form too. Although it was a pity he did World Peace is None of Your Business. More on that later.

So how do I rationalise his behaviour, if at all?

Well frankly, I have no problem with him advocating for animal rights as loudly and as confrontingly as he likes. I know there are those who prefer their animal activism in the form of starlets posing semi-nude for PETA, but as the latest reports of atrocities in the live export industry have shown, you have to get in people’s faces for them to take notice and do something.

If people are offended by the comparing of slaughterhouses to atrocities committed against humans, then that justifies him doing so because both have been done to living, sentient beings and it forces us to wonder how we would like that to happen to us.

You may find the tactic confronting but artists should be provocative and art should stand for something. It’s preferable though if their statements are factually accurate and intellectually consistent.

Then there’s the racism. Honestly, until now I had always found the accusations rather spurious. They were certainly plausible but not entirely convincing. The second track on Kill Uncle (the original version) was actually quite anti-racist as it portrays an English gang attacking a young Asian boy and concludes with the line, “I’m just passing through here, on my way to somewhere civilised.” The effect is ruined from the start though by the fact the song has the stupidly insensitive title Asian Rut.

The song that many took as proof of racism is The National Front Disco. The problem is he never makes it clear whether the song is intended as satire or not. And that is the artist’s prerogative. Roger Waters never makes it obvious that all the fascist imagery in The Wall is ironic. It’s left to the listener to work it out, but it does create an easy target.

But then, around the same time, he unveiled the Union Jack during his appearance at Madstock. Aha, right? Well hang on. To this day I have never understood why it was racist for Morrissey to display the Union Jack in 1992 but not for Noel Gallagher to paint it on his guitar in 1996. I’m happy to be educated on this. However, as an Australian, I’m for reclaiming the Southern Cross from the bogans, meatheads and racists who have co-opted it and I wouldn’t blame Britons for wanting to do the same for their national symbol. I’m not saying that’s what Morrissey was trying to do but honestly, I don’t get it.

Not racist                        Racist                          Not racist

His most overtly racist lyric was in Bengali in Platforms: “Oh shelve your western plans and understand, that life is hard enough when you belong here.” Even here, in the context of the whole song, I am (somewhat generously) willing to give Moz the benefit of the doubt that it was intended as a clumsy expression of empathy rather than an explicit declaration that foreigners don’t belong.

It is evident that Morrissey suffers some kind of depressive disorder and is quite possibly on the autism spectrum. This is not intended as any kind of criticism but seeking to possibly understand his behaviour. All criticism of his poor expression naturally feeds his feelings of paranoia and that the media is against him.

I believe a lot of the previous accusations against Morrissey have been beat-ups but one thing this latest interview shows is that whenever he grants an interview, the interviewer merely glances at a length of rope which Morrissey then picks up, fashions a perfectly formed noose, puts it around his neck, wraps the other end around a beam, and proceeds to stand precariously on a chair.

The US television personality Dick Clark used to be referred to as the world’s oldest teenager. When he died, I believe Morrissey took over the mantle, albeit for completely different reasons. The attraction of Morrissey’s songwriting was always that he understands the lonely and rejected. If you’re one of the people who always hated Morrissey from the outset (and there are millions), then you probably had friends at high school and knew how to form relationships. Good for you! Some of us didn’t, and Morrissey was the first one who made us feel like we might not be a minority of one.

Having said that, there’s something ever-so-slightly undignified about a man in his late fifties singing about not getting out of bed. If you write a song called Life is a Pigsty and you’re not an unemployed teenager, you probably need to take stock. It’s as if Moz leapt straight from tragic poetic teen to miserable old curmudgeon without any of the growth you might expect in between.

Morrissey began to wear out his welcome with me with World Peace is None of Your Business. Elvis Costello once said, “Morrissey writes wonderful song titles, but sadly he often forgets to write the song.” It was a rather harsh comment at the time but it’s never been truer than of World Peace… because he takes an excellent premise and wastes it. What’s unforgivable for me is the line, “Each time you vote, you support the process.” Oh RIGHT! It’s MY fault the way we’re governed is in such a parlous state because I exercise what tiny influence I actually have on it, and nothing to do with idiots like Morrissey who know what’s wrong with the world but refuse to take a bit of responsibility and VOTE.

Morrissey is not just the only artist, but the only person I know of whose understanding of the world and expression of it has actually become less sophisticated since his 20s.

It’s an unfair criticism that Morrissey has been repeating himself ever since The Smiths. It is fair to say he’s been doing it for the last 20 years though. In all that time, he’s just been rewriting the same three songs only gradually worse:
Everyone Hates Me
’E’s a Likely Lad Inn’e?
Politics? Bollocks, more like!

Evidently, the same goes for his interviews. Even though it was with a sympathetic interviewer on an officially sanctioned website, Moz chose to leap off the aforementioned chair, into a bath with a plugged-in toaster floating in it. They say you shouldn’t attribute to malice what can adequately be explained as stupidity. If so, Morrissey has been incredibly stupid. And I’m sure it has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Johnny Marr – who writes far better lyrics than Morrissey does these days – has a new album coming out next month!

His description of halal slaughter as evil is acceptable because he considers all slaughter evil, but to link it to ISIS is calculated bigotry. To appeal to Islamophobia in his campaign for animal rights is as low as those who claim to care about animal welfare when the truth is they just hate Muslims. There is no plausible deniability for his race-baiting any more. (And if anyone wants to ask “What race is Islam?” then bring it on! I shall sup lustily on your triggered racist tears.) It causes me to question my previous forgiveness.

Sadiq Khan should not be above criticism but anyone who can’t spell Cemetery, thinks ‘destructors’ means the same thing as ‘destroyers,’ or writes the 120 pages of utter drivel that is List of the Lost, has no place judging anyone else for how they use the English language.
Knuckle to knuckle with the machete of justice?
Seriously, Morrissey? What the hell is this?

And apparently Hitler was left wing. I’m not even going to bother going into what an ignorant statement this is. Morrissey’s political naivety has always been evident but this is indefensibly stupid. What was his point anyway? Ah, who cares?

Will I keep listening to his music? Of course I will. There are certain artists like Ted Nugent and the Norwegian Black Metal scene in general who can go to hell. For all the others, it’s more nuanced than that. Enjoying art should never be considered an endorsement of the artist’s views or actions – although it certainly may be. Just ask anyone who has ever enjoyed Wagner, Lead Belly, Ike Turner or Phil Collins. And there are certainly plenty of gun-toting rednecks who love some John Lennon or Woody Guthrie. Should I burn my copies of Imagine and All Things Must Pass because Phil Spector produced them?

For the future though, the dear departed Sean Hughes once said, “Everybody gets over their Morrissey phase, except Morrissey.” (The singer replied, “Too true!”) Well, it’s taken 30 years, but I Know It’s Over.

26 February, 2018

What not to do when you’re in parliament

It’s becoming clear that working in Parliament House causes some kind of condition in people that causes them to forget certain rules of behaviour in polite and civil society that most of us knew when we left high school.

It’s one thing that there was the need for the bonk ban, but then today in Senate Estimate, there was this:

I’m less worried about Anthrax being tasteless and odourless that I am about it being FATAL.

After I asked this on twitter, Miranda_Maybe asked if we might need add this to the list of obviously stupid things that people still need to be told not to do.

So in the interests of saving further embarrassment, discomfort, resignation and spills, here’s an incomplete list of things you shouldn’t do when you’re in parliament. Or in life in general.

  1. Eat the yellow snow
  2. Taste random white powder
  3. Cross the road against the traffic lights
  4. Bonk your staff
  5. Take lollies from strangers
  6. Move your staff to another department so you can keep bonking them
  7. Drink and drive
  8. Take a helicopter when you could drive
  9. Leave your luggage unattended
  10. Forget to check your citizenship status
  11. Lick frozen light poles
  12. Bite into a whole raw onion* (thanks to Michael Byrnes)
  13. Run with scissors
  14. Summarily bring back knighthoods
  15. Play with your food
  16. Play with guns
Any others?