On Welcome to Country

The Australian tradition of Welcome to Country has become a topic of conversation again, primarily because some American blowhards watching the Melbourne NFL game were confused by it.

For a start, this is a conversation for Australians to have amongst ourselves, not for some foreign blow-ins who have never even tasted a meat pie to lecture us on. It’s somewhat comical that the same people who say every migrant should leave their own culture behind and submit to the Australian way, fall over themselves to agree when an American says we suck.

The local criticism of Welcome to Country comes down to several points:

• It’s performative
• It’s symbolic
• It doesn’t achieve anything
• It’s virtue signalling

You know what? I’m inclined to agree.

But if you think about it for just a few seconds, there are plenty of other rituals performed at public events that you could say exactly the same thing about.

What about flying the national flag?

What about singing the national anthem?

It’s ALL performative virtue signalling that doesn’t achieve anything. No one was raised out of poverty by a rousing rendition of Advance Australia Fair.

And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.

You want to fly the flag? Fly the flag!

You want to sing the anthem? Go for your life! Just try to stay in tune.

You want to pledge allegiance to the king? Well, I’m not going to join you, but you do whatever makes you happy.

Just don’t try to tell me it isn’t performative symbolism, because it is. It’s no more or less performative depending on whether you like it or not.

So, make all the criticisms you feel are valid. Just try to keep them consistent, because we’d all have a lot more time if we abandoned everything anyone thought was symbolic and didn’t achieve anything.

   

The passion of Milo Yiannopoulos

 

The arrest, detention, and deportation by I.C.E. of Milo Yiannopoulos last week instantly became the most obvious example of ‘I never thought they leopards would eat MY face!’

Now he says he wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But he did. On the record. It’s all out there.

For years, he has used his same-sex interracial marriage as a fig leaf for his bigotry and in doing so, allowed his political fellow travellers to use their liking of him as a fig leaf for theirs. They could point to him to claim they didn’t hate all gays and foreigners, and that I.C.E. was only targeting the worst of the worst. Well, whatcha got now?

Everyone has their own definition of the difference between right and left, inasmuch as those labels mean anything at all, which I don’t think they do. None of these definitions stand up to any kind of rational scrutiny.

There are those who claim the right stands for free enterprise and merit while the left stands for communism and mandatory sex changes.

There are those who claim the left stands for equality and freedom while the right stands oligarchy and dictatorship.

Before I offer my own attempt at defining the difference, here’s a personal observation:

I have several friends and family who have spent decades on drip-feed of Fox News and are full-throated Trump supporters who will make any excuse for him. Here’s what I can tell you about them: They are all fundamentally decent people who would do anything for a friend in need, or even a stranger if they happened to meet them in person. Do not question me on this. I know them and you probably don’t.

It’s just that their politics don’t match their principles.

They would never want their loved ones treated the way they advocate for other, undefined people to be treated. Nor should they.

It seems to me that the primary difference between left and right is that some of us believe everyone should be treated the way we would want our loved ones treated. Some would even call that the Christian way.

And now, the obligatory unpopular opinion:

I am not ready to give Yiannopoulos the benefit of the doubt this experience will fundamentally change his act. His new bit for The Spectator suggests it won’t. However, his appearance on Piers Morgan’s show is worth a watch. Yes, I know Morgan is an insufferable creep too, but give it a go just this once. If nothing else, you can have a nice giggle when Yiannopoulos says his main gig is managing lawyers now, and not one of them told him to make sure his visa was in order.

What Milo Yiannopoulos has is a platform. He can use it to show what I.C.E. and the administration are really doing. He has the power to use his own experience to prove to all the bootlickers and crumb maidens that they will eventually come for them too.

Now here’s the tricky part: If Yiannopoulos chooses this path, he should be supported in it. If someone sees the error of their ways and chooses to change for the better – even if it’s because the leopards ate their face too – what more can you ask for?

It’s entirely likely that he will be over it in a couple of weeks and go back to being an edgelord. If so, he can get right back in the bin. But if he chooses to be a voice for decency, then that should be welcomed and encouraged.

 

   

Your line in the Sandilands

 

You know what, Jackie? I don’t doubt you’ve been traumatised by your experience. I’m sure many of your ‘guests’ have been as well.

The difference is, none of them chose to spend the prime of their life being the socially acceptable enabler for a vile, abusive shitbag. That’s the trade-off for the millions you made from it.

You could have chosen to walk when your mate decided to hook a 14yo sexual assault victim up to a polygraph in front of her mother for shits and giggles. People would have respected you for that. But it wasn’t until the abuse affected you that you found your line in the Sandilands.

Your occasional tut-tutting does not absolve you of responsibility. It only gave deniability to your co-host and network.

By all means take the cretin and the network to the cleaners. But my violin remains firmly in its case over the fact you’re the latest victim of the monster you helped create.

You can’t call me AI

I woke up this morning* to see that both Trump and Musk had posted A.I. videos of themselves as action heroes.

And I’m left wondering: Who the fuck is impressed by this shit?

How is it that two of the most powerful men in the world are so tragically insecure that they feel the need to do this? And how can millions of people still think they’re geniuses and not pathetic?

If you’re middle-aged and your life hasn’t gone the way you’d hoped, and it gives you a little confidence boost to paste your head onto the body of James Bond or an extra from Sparta, I get that. It’s mostly harmless.

But when you’re already more rich and powerful than the actual action heroes you’re pretending to be without having to do any real work, why is that still not enough? Why do they have to play digital dress-up? And why does a culture that considers personal success as the ultimate measure of human value let them get away with it?

I know some of you are going to file this under “haters gonna hate.” You know who you are. But let’s unpack that. I don’t hate them. If they weren’t destroying so many lives, I’d feel sorry for them.

I’m a creative, and have been since long before I realised it. I’m a writer, I’m a musician, I’m a composer. You don’t choose the pursuit, it chooses you.

To me, it would be the ultimate admission of lifelong defeat to have a machine make me look as cool as I’ve always wanted to be. And who would respect me for it if I did?

So the real question is: how does a mediocre, low self-esteem shitkicker like me end up with more self-respect than people who are rich and powerful enough to send the world into a spin on a tweet?

I’m not rich, famous, or powerful and never will be. All I have is the love and respect of those who mean the most to me. Can those guys in the A.I. videos say the same? I don’t think so.

 

* Ba-DOW-ba!

 

Yes Dave, you are an elite

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Yes Dave, you are an elite, and I’ll explain why. 

Firstly, I get where you’re coming from. You still talk like you left school at 12, you still look like the ‘after’ picture on an anti-drugs campaign, but you are an elite now. 

It’s a trap many comedians before you have fallen into. They start out talking about things like growing up in the suburbs, bad dates, their shitbox car, shift work… things lots of people can relate to. 

But if they’re not smart, once they have some success, they’ll keep talking about things that happen to them as if they happen to everyone else; things like hotel service, or air travel, or property taxes. 

Then, if they’re really unwise, they’ll blame their audience when the new material doesn’t land the way it used to, instead of doing what they are supposed to do by reading the room. 

And yes, I know you’re complaining about the government, which is always a rich seam for comedy. The difference is why you’re complaining. 

You could point out that one week’s unemployment benefit is equal to one night’s accommodation allowance for an MP, which they still get whether they spend the night in a hotel room, a share house, or a property owned by their spouse. That’s pretty hilarious, eh?

Or there’s the fact that we subsidise the extraction of minerals and energy when the companies that earn billions from doing it pay bugger all in tax. What’s all that about?

But capital gains tax? Really, Dave? You think the punters are going to come with you on property values? 

You may still talk like a bogan but what you’re saying sounds like it would come from Gerry Harvey - and you can take that any way you like. As a professional, you ought to know what Aussies can spot a poser a mile away, and that’s what you’ve become.

I remember 20 years ago there was a show called The Glasshouse. There was a bloke on there who would have ripped into anyone with the temerity to complain about his lot when he owned more houses than he could live in. It probably would have started with, “Ooh, I’m not happy!” 

But hey, things change, right?

Well, maybe they have for you. And good on you for it. You worked hard, you took that Channel 10 cash for all it was worth, you invested it wisely, good for you! 

That doesn’t mean the rest of us shitkickers - ie your audience - aren’t still wondering if we’re ever going to be able to own one property. To live in! Ever! 

So yes Dave, you’re an elite now. And no-one is saying there’s anything wrong with that. You were born bogan and now you’re an elite. Well done, you! If you’re comfortable with who you are, just own it. If you’re not, then do something about it. 

Oh, by the way, the “typical Aussie bloke,” (as your website describes you) doesn’t usually pose for selfies with the opposition leader while having coffee. Elites do.  

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Confessions of a record store addict

Despite appearances, I am not a vinyl snob. To my ear, CDs sound just as good if they are tastefully mastered. Blu-ray audio is even better!

I’ve been checking in at my local music retailer every day since Thursday to see if they had Paul McCartney’s new album The Boys of Dungeon Lane in. On Friday, they told me they had two copies on the way. On Saturday it was there. 

But they only had it on vinyl. 

Something you need to know for context is that I live in a regional town which until JB Hifi opened in town six months ago, hadn’t had a record store for 15 years. When New came out, I drove an hour each way to buy it on release day. (Actually, two days earlier because the store didn’t respect release day embargoes and would put stock in the racks as soon as it arrived.)

As an aside, it’s interesting to note the difference between the CD and the vinyl racks. The vinyl racks say, “You’re a serious music fan who knows their stuff.” The CD racks say, “You’re a basic bitch for whom progress stopped with the 20th century, iPhone or not.”

If they’d had it on CD, I would have happily bought it but now I was faced with a dilemma. Do I wait for the CD to come in, or do I spend 3 times as much on the LP just for the joy of buying it out of the rack in my home town as close as possible to release day?

Well, you know the answer. And yes, I’ve checked my privilege and I’m grateful for it. 

But this led me to wonder if I’m going to buy it on CD too for the convenience, and I probably am. 

Then I remembered that if recent history is anything to go by, there will be a special expanded edition released in six months or so and I can have the best of both worlds.

Some people complain about being expected to buy the album twice for the extra material but having thought about it, I really don’t have a problem with it. 

You see, 20 odd years ago, there were physical singles. 

Any album would have three or four singles released off it. Each of these singles would have at least two, possibly three or four, additional tracks not on the album. 

And we hardcore fans would buy them all because we wanted everything. All together, these singles would cost as much as another copy of the album. 

So what’s the difference? Only less getting up to change the record or CD. 

The one where I agree with Mike Johnson

The speaker of the US House of Representatives has copped some flak recently for suggesting the current salary for members of Congress is not enough for them to support their families, and they should perhaps be allowed to supplement their income by trading stocks.

Stay with me here, but I think he makes a fair point.

If Speaker Johnson is saying that people who work long hours in high pressure jobs deserve to be remunerated in a way that covers their expenses, then I agree wholeheartedly. 

In fact, I’ve been saying that for 25 years. Seventeen years is far too long to go without a cost-of-living pay rise, even for federal representatives.

What I don’t understand is why Speaker Johnson, as a conservative MAGA Republican, does not apply established conservative principles to the problem he has identified.

American conservative economic theory assumes that every individual is wholly and solely responsible for their own circumstances. It is not the government’s place to help them out, be it through education, health care, mandatory minimum wages, or bending the laws in insider trading.

We all know the Republican answer for people who struggle to make ends meet. Say them along with me:

• Get a second job. Or a third one*. Sleep is for the weak and, as we have already established, everyone deserves their lot in life. So if you’re weak, stop being weak. There you go. Fixed!

• Educate yourself so as to get a better paying job. If you don’t have time for that with the three jobs you’re now working, you just have to organise your life better.

• Bring a flask of coffee to work instead of stopping in at Starbucks every morning. You’ll have that house deposit saved in no time**.

• Stop buying the fancy soda.

• Give up the avocado toast brunches.

• Cancel your streaming services and watch free-to-air TV or YouTube instead.

• Take the bus.

There you go, Mike! All fixed. You’re welcome.

…unless you want to tell me that those are all meaningless platitudes which have no basis in the real world.

* As if Congresspeople don’t already have second and third jobs.

** A bit over 19 years at $30 a week for a 10% deposit on a $300,000 home at today’s prices.