So youse reckon youse can talk Strayan an’ that

You may think you’ve seen every listicle converting the Australian language into common English, but you haven’t. You’ve only seen enough to know where the dunnies are, where to get a feed, and how to spot a bogan when you need to.

To truly sound like a local, read on…

You right there? – “May I be of any assistance?”

You winnin’? – “How are you?”

Too easy! – “You’re welcome,” OR “I consent to the agreed plan.”

Avagoodone! – “Have a nice day.”

Veebee – Domestic beer

Snot block – Vanilla slice

HUNNAAAAHS! – “Perchance, do you know any songs by the popular group Hunters and Collectors?” *

Aerial ping pong – Australian Rules Football, as described by followers of Rugby League

You’re 👏 goin’ 👏 home 👏 in the 👏 back of a 👏 divvy 👏 van👏! – “Your wicked ways have caught up with you and justice awaits.”

You’ve got Buckley’s – “I see minimal likelihood of success in your endeavor.”

Ah, biscuits! – “Bugger it!” if kids are around.

Oh, bum! – “Fuck it!” if kids are around.

TAXI! – “You appear to have dropped your drink. Would you like a ride home?”

Servo – Petrol station

The pajama game – Limited over cricket

Sparkie – An electrician

Chippie – A carpenter

Chipper – A take-away restaurant where you buy chippies

CHISOOOOL! – “Perchance, do you know any songs by the popular group Cold Chisel?” *

Hadley’s a wanker! – “We are not impressed by the New Zealand team’s pace attack.”

Chookas – To avoid theatrical superstition, “I wish you well for the performance.”

Lobster – A $20 note.

Pineapple – A $50 note.

Skeg – Surfer

Not happy, Jan! – “You disappoint me.”

Pine saws – A meat and gravy pie served with tomato ketchup

Dimmie – A dim sim

Dickhead – A dim person

Good on ya! – “Well done. Congratulations.”

Yeah, good on ya! – “You’re a bit of a dickhead.”

Oh, good ON ya! – “Not happy, Jan!”

DACCAAAAAA! – “Perchance, do you know any songs by the popular group AC⚡DC?” *

I’d better let you go – “I am so tired of this conversation, please go away.”

Cooker – low-information conspiracy theorist

Blockie – A trip around the block

Mainie – A trip along the main street, either at very low or very high speed but nothing in between. Preferably done while blasting Hunnahs, Chisool, or Dacca through open windows.

Shooie – To drink champagne or beer from your own shoe. Note: It only counts if it’s the shoe you have been wearing on the day.

Veggie – Vegemite 

Nats – Members of the National Party. Just be thankful they’re no longer called the Country Party.

Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! – “Pardon me, but I’m a dickhead.”

Please remember, all Australian words and phrases must have TWO syllables. Anything over two syllables will be abbreviated. Anything under two syllables will be extended. You are not Dave, you are Davo. And R sounds will be converted to Z sounds where-ever possible.

* These are the only three bands in Australia

+ - ÷

I’ve no time for Ed Sheeran’s music but he seems like a thoroughly nice guy. It’s okay to want to stay away from controversy. But he seems to have found out the hard way that, as Bishop Tutu said, to remain neutral on issues of injustice is to take the side of the oppressor.

Ed Sheeran isn’t Roger Waters. You don’t go to his shows expecting big statements because his songs aren’t really about anything. But if you’re going to have other acts on the bill who do have songs about real things, then you have to allow for the fact they’re going to say something.

It’s not as if he, or the promoters, need to do this. Taylor Swift has proven you can take a stand on issues and maintain an audience in the hundreds of millions. And it’s not as if Ed should be expected to take a stand on any given issue. He’s an entertainer, after all. But there comes a point at which remaining apolitical is itself a political stance.

To be fair to all artists concerned, they have all approached the situation with good grace, respect, and not made anything personal. It’s a great lesson in how to disagree without being disagreeable. It’s clear the main responsibility for the logistical mess lies with the promoters and the venues.

The real question is where are the usual gang of free speech warriors now?

On Welcome to Country

The Australian tradition of Welcome to Country has become a topic of conversation again, primarily because some American blowhards watching the Melbourne NFL game were confused by it.

For a start, this is a conversation for Australians to have amongst ourselves, not for some foreign blow-ins who have never even tasted a meat pie to lecture us on. It’s somewhat comical that the same people who say every migrant should leave their own culture behind and submit to the Australian way, fall over themselves to agree when an American says we suck.

The local criticism of Welcome to Country comes down to several points:

• It’s performative
• It’s symbolic
• It doesn’t achieve anything
• It’s virtue signalling

You know what? I’m inclined to agree.

But if you think about it for just a few seconds, there are plenty of other rituals performed at public events that you could say exactly the same thing about.

What about flying the national flag?

What about singing the national anthem?

It’s ALL performative virtue signalling that doesn’t achieve anything. No one was raised out of poverty by a rousing rendition of Advance Australia Fair.

And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.

You want to fly the flag? Fly the flag!

You want to sing the anthem? Go for your life! Just try to stay in tune.

You want to pledge allegiance to the king? Well, I’m not going to join you, but you do whatever makes you happy.

Just don’t try to tell me it isn’t performative symbolism, because it is. It’s no more or less performative depending on whether you like it or not.

So, make all the criticisms you feel are valid. Just try to keep them consistent, because we’d all have a lot more time if we abandoned everything anyone thought was symbolic and didn’t achieve anything.

   

The passion of Milo Yiannopoulos

 

The arrest, detention, and deportation by I.C.E. of Milo Yiannopoulos last week instantly became the most obvious example of ‘I never thought they leopards would eat MY face!’

Now he says he wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But he did. On the record. It’s all out there.

For years, he has used his same-sex interracial marriage as a fig leaf for his bigotry and in doing so, allowed his political fellow travellers to use their liking of him as a fig leaf for theirs. They could point to him to claim they didn’t hate all gays and foreigners, and that I.C.E. was only targeting the worst of the worst. Well, whatcha got now?

Everyone has their own definition of the difference between right and left, inasmuch as those labels mean anything at all, which I don’t think they do. None of these definitions stand up to any kind of rational scrutiny.

There are those who claim the right stands for free enterprise and merit while the left stands for communism and mandatory sex changes.

There are those who claim the left stands for equality and freedom while the right stands oligarchy and dictatorship.

Before I offer my own attempt at defining the difference, here’s a personal observation:

I have several friends and family who have spent decades on drip-feed of Fox News and are full-throated Trump supporters who will make any excuse for him. Here’s what I can tell you about them: They are all fundamentally decent people who would do anything for a friend in need, or even a stranger if they happened to meet them in person. Do not question me on this. I know them and you probably don’t.

It’s just that their politics don’t match their principles.

They would never want their loved ones treated the way they advocate for other, undefined people to be treated. Nor should they.

It seems to me that the primary difference between left and right is that some of us believe everyone should be treated the way we would want our loved ones treated. Some would even call that the Christian way.

And now, the obligatory unpopular opinion:

I am not ready to give Yiannopoulos the benefit of the doubt this experience will fundamentally change his act. His new bit for The Spectator suggests it won’t. However, his appearance on Piers Morgan’s show is worth a watch. Yes, I know Morgan is an insufferable creep too, but give it a go just this once. If nothing else, you can have a nice giggle when Yiannopoulos says his main gig is managing lawyers now, and not one of them told him to make sure his visa was in order.

What Milo Yiannopoulos has is a platform. He can use it to show what I.C.E. and the administration are really doing. He has the power to use his own experience to prove to all the bootlickers and crumb maidens that they will eventually come for them too.

Now here’s the tricky part: If Yiannopoulos chooses this path, he should be supported in it. If someone sees the error of their ways and chooses to change for the better – even if it’s because the leopards ate their face too – what more can you ask for?

It’s entirely likely that he will be over it in a couple of weeks and go back to being an edgelord. If so, he can get right back in the bin. But if he chooses to be a voice for decency, then that should be welcomed and encouraged.

 

   

Your line in the Sandilands

 

You know what, Jackie? I don’t doubt you’ve been traumatised by your experience. I’m sure many of your ‘guests’ have been as well.

The difference is, none of them chose to spend the prime of their life being the socially acceptable enabler for a vile, abusive shitbag. That’s the trade-off for the millions you made from it.

You could have chosen to walk when your mate decided to hook a 14yo sexual assault victim up to a polygraph in front of her mother for shits and giggles. People would have respected you for that. But it wasn’t until the abuse affected you that you found your line in the Sandilands.

Your occasional tut-tutting does not absolve you of responsibility. It only gave deniability to your co-host and network.

By all means take the cretin and the network to the cleaners. But my violin remains firmly in its case over the fact you’re the latest victim of the monster you helped create.

You can’t call me AI

I woke up this morning* to see that both Trump and Musk had posted A.I. videos of themselves as action heroes.

And I’m left wondering: Who the fuck is impressed by this shit?

How is it that two of the most powerful men in the world are so tragically insecure that they feel the need to do this? And how can millions of people still think they’re geniuses and not pathetic?

If you’re middle-aged and your life hasn’t gone the way you’d hoped, and it gives you a little confidence boost to paste your head onto the body of James Bond or an extra from Sparta, I get that. It’s mostly harmless.

But when you’re already more rich and powerful than the actual action heroes you’re pretending to be without having to do any real work, why is that still not enough? Why do they have to play digital dress-up? And why does a culture that considers personal success as the ultimate measure of human value let them get away with it?

I know some of you are going to file this under “haters gonna hate.” You know who you are. But let’s unpack that. I don’t hate them. If they weren’t destroying so many lives, I’d feel sorry for them.

I’m a creative, and have been since long before I realised it. I’m a writer, I’m a musician, I’m a composer. You don’t choose the pursuit, it chooses you.

To me, it would be the ultimate admission of lifelong defeat to have a machine make me look as cool as I’ve always wanted to be. And who would respect me for it if I did?

So the real question is: how does a mediocre, low self-esteem shitkicker like me end up with more self-respect than people who are rich and powerful enough to send the world into a spin on a tweet?

I’m not rich, famous, or powerful and never will be. All I have is the love and respect of those who mean the most to me. Can those guys in the A.I. videos say the same? I don’t think so.

 

* Ba-DOW-ba!

 

Yes Dave, you are an elite

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Yes Dave, you are an elite, and I’ll explain why. 

Firstly, I get where you’re coming from. You still talk like you left school at 12, you still look like the ‘after’ picture on an anti-drugs campaign, but you are an elite now. 

It’s a trap many comedians before you have fallen into. They start out talking about things like growing up in the suburbs, bad dates, their shitbox car, shift work… things lots of people can relate to. 

But if they’re not smart, once they have some success, they’ll keep talking about things that happen to them as if they happen to everyone else; things like hotel service, or air travel, or property taxes. 

Then, if they’re really unwise, they’ll blame their audience when the new material doesn’t land the way it used to, instead of doing what they are supposed to do by reading the room. 

And yes, I know you’re complaining about the government, which is always a rich seam for comedy. The difference is why you’re complaining. 

You could point out that one week’s unemployment benefit is equal to one night’s accommodation allowance for an MP, which they still get whether they spend the night in a hotel room, a share house, or a property owned by their spouse. That’s pretty hilarious, eh?

Or there’s the fact that we subsidise the extraction of minerals and energy when the companies that earn billions from doing it pay bugger all in tax. What’s all that about?

But capital gains tax? Really, Dave? You think the punters are going to come with you on property values? 

You may still talk like a bogan but what you’re saying sounds like it would come from Gerry Harvey - and you can take that any way you like. As a professional, you ought to know what Aussies can spot a poser a mile away, and that’s what you’ve become.

I remember 20 years ago there was a show called The Glasshouse. There was a bloke on there who would have ripped into anyone with the temerity to complain about his lot when he owned more houses than he could live in. It probably would have started with, “Ooh, I’m not happy!” 

But hey, things change, right?

Well, maybe they have for you. And good on you for it. You worked hard, you took that Channel 10 cash for all it was worth, you invested it wisely, good for you! 

That doesn’t mean the rest of us shitkickers - ie your audience - aren’t still wondering if we’re ever going to be able to own one property. To live in! Ever! 

So yes Dave, you’re an elite now. And no-one is saying there’s anything wrong with that. You were born bogan and now you’re an elite. Well done, you! If you’re comfortable with who you are, just own it. If you’re not, then do something about it. 

Oh, by the way, the “typical Aussie bloke,” (as your website describes you) doesn’t usually pose for selfies with the opposition leader while having coffee. Elites do.  

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