Thoughts I’d rather not have about things I’d rather not know...

Despite being the prettiest public face of a living anachronism, and taking far more than she gives back, I do not believe Kate Middleton owes the British public a lap dance (or the aristocracy’s equivalent) once a week.

I’m as anti-royalist as they come. I believe they should be treated like anyone else, and that includes leaving them the fuck alone when they need time to themselves. First and foremost, she’s a human being, and THAT should have been the angle the Firm took from the beginning.

The monarch may run the country but in modern times, another runs the family. That used to be Prince Phillip. When Phil the Greek died, that job went to Anne, who seems pretty level-headed for a princess and I thought she would have run things better.

As a PR firm – which is what they are – the British royal family’s principle of ‘never complain, never explain,’ is a smart one which other celebrities and their handlers could learn from. Imagine the power Trump and his puppet masters could wield if he didn’t screw it up on an hourly basis by being such an inveterate, narcissistic whineypants.

The Firm screwed this up royally by issuing a happy snap in response to the gossip. I DGAF that it was touched up. Of course it was! They all are. So is my profile picture. Send me to the tower! And as a happily childless person, even I know kids do weird shit with their fingers, especially when they’re nervous, like when someone is pointing a camera at them and telling them to look naturally happy. I still do and you probably do too.

But to then throw Kate under the double-decker by claiming she was the one who edited it? Prince, please! They literally have people to pick things up off the floor for them and we’re expected to believe the presumptive next queen consort does her own photoshopping?

Anyone who claims to support royalty should leave her alone. Anyone like me, who doesn’t support royalty, should also leave her alone, tempting though it is to use this as an example of how pointless and irrelevant royalty is. I’m aware of the irony of what I’ve just said. I would rather not know any of this but there are things you just can’t help learning and thinking people just can’t help forming an opinion on them.

If this were the biggest scandal in the world, they’d be doing a fine job!