17 November, 2011

How to make a speech to a gathering of Australian MPs

Governor General, Prime Minister, the Honourable Leader of the Opposition, distinguished guests,
Thank you for this warm welcome, and… Gidday! [pause for applause]

Our country has no greater friend than Australia.  We are, great mates.  [pause for applause]
And we have shared this great friendship since each of our countries were knee high to a grasshopper.

Whether it was [old tragedy] or [more recent tragedy] or [current challenge] Australia was always there to say, “no worries, [pause] “she’ll be right.” [pause for applause]

I am fortunate to share a deep personal friendship with your prime minister.  I can say without hesitation or fear of contradiction that he/she is a top bloke/sheila*.  [pause for laughter and applause, smile and wink at PM]
You know he/she can always be relied on to be fair dinkum.

There are of course, times when we don’t see eye-to-eye on everything.  If I live to be a hundred, I’ll still never understand the rules of cricket or how the heck you can eat vegemite.  [pause for laughter and applause]

But I know that we stand as one on what’s really important: courage… loyalty… freedom… mateship. [pause for quiet murmurings of agreement]

I thank you again for your friendship to our country and your hospitality during my stay in your great country.  You have been bonza.  [brief pause for laughter]  A little ripper!  [longer pause]

I look forward to a continuation of the special relationship between our two countries, and may God bless the people of Australia. 
[move to sit down, return as applause begins]

*Be sure to check which of these applies at the time




  1. I heard that same speech in the Knesset. All the Australianisms confused everybody.

  2. They forgot to change the placeholders in the stump speech.
    "America has no greater friend than [insert country here]"