Dear America,

Alright, sit down. It’s cards-on-the-table time. We find your election just as comical as you do but I’m here to tell you, it’s not funny any more. This is serious and you need to take it seriously.

But who am I, an Australian, to lecture America on their democratic process? Well let me ask you this: If I were to use the expression, “the leader of the free world,” who do you instinctively think of? Right! I speak to you as a citizen of the free world. You mind your business and I’ll mind mine.

The conventional wisdom is that you’ve got a bit of a dismal choice before you – each is as bad as the other. That’s utter rubbish. But any reasonable assessment, the choice is clear.

Now I don’t like Hillary Clinton any more than you do. And no, that doesn’t mean I’m a Bernie Bro. I wish there were someone in between but, to adapt a line from Donald Rumsfeld, you go into an election with the candidates you have, not the candidates you want.

Many Republican former office-holders are publically supporting Hillary Clinton, and not just because there isn’t a nose-plug strong enough to block out the stench of Trump. The truth is Hillary Clinton is the best Republican candidate there has been all century.

Just think about it: She’s from a southern state, she conducts her campaign with an air of manifest destiny, she’s a hawk on defence, she’s secretive, she takes money from dodgy sources, she’s not good at relating to ordinary people, she gives secret speeches to donors, she’s crap with technology and she gives insultingly lame excuses for her mistakes. What’s not to love? It would be like the third term of the Bush administration. If it weren’t for her surname and her lack of a Y-chromosome, she would be the perfect Republican candidate.

For reasons which they can never satisfactorily explain though, Republicans hate her. Many seem to think she is going to bring about a socialist, sharia, communist, Islamo-fascist dictatorship with compulsory abortions in every school. This is not going to happen. How do I know this isn’t going to happen? Because I remember when Obama was going to do all that, and he has precious little time to make a start on it. Since we know Clinton is to the right of Obama on just about every issue, it’s not going to happen. If you really think it might, then not only should you not be allowed to vote, you probably shouldn’t be allowed outside unescorted.

Ever since the Republican convention, I have used a quote from Ted Cruz in all my comments on the US election: Vote your conscience.

Now, I’m going to borrow a line from John McCain. It’s his 2008 election slogan: Country First.

Okay, we get it – you don’t like Hillary. I don’t like her very much either. And Trump is a Washington outsider? Big deal! So is Kanye West. Would you vote for him? They are more similar than you think. If you want to hand the country over to a reality TV businessperson, vote for Paris Hilton. In terms of building on an inheritance, she leaves Trump in the shade.

I speak to you from a country that, a little over three years ago, decided to eat a shit sandwich just to show how much we hate spinach. We lived to regret it but at least we have a system where his party could fire him two years in when they realised that election-winning slogans didn’t automatically translate into competent government. Vote for Trump and you’re stuck with him for four years. And you have to admit, you have no idea what he’s going to do. By his own admission, on many issues, he hasn’t either.

Anyone who loves their country, regardless of their politics, would surely want a cool clear head in charge over a dangerous unknown quantity. I’ve been called a conservative and I’ve been called a leftist but at heart, I’m a pragmatist. This election is not a choice between two equally awful options. On one side there is a candidate who, if nothing else, has proven experience and competence in public office. On the other side, there is a demonstrably unstable sociopath. To anyone who would put country first, this is not a difficult decision.

If your hatred of Hillary Clinton outweighs your love of your country, then by all means vote for Donald Trump. Otherwise, put country first and vote your conscience.
  
 

Rigging in the frigging

The latest from the Trump campaign… no, wait. There is only Trump. The rest of his campaign have given up all hope of professionalism and are just wondering how they’re ever going to explain this on their résumés.

So the latest from Donald Trump is that the system is rigged and that’s why he’s losing. Those of you with memories longer than that of a pot-smoking goldfish might remember that he’s tried this act once before when it looked like he might not get the nomination. Once Ted Cruz had pulled out of the race, allowing Trump to again win on pig-headedness alone, suddenly the Republican National Committee wasn’t corrupt any more.

Now, as more and more Republicans decide they can’t hold their noses any longer and desert him, again he assures us the system is rigged. It’s tempting to see this as a pre-emptive excuse for his failure but for once, I think I understand where Donald Trump is coming from.

To understand, you have to look at the world Donald Trump lives in. Even flattering profiles describe him as a reality TV star, but first we need to unpack what is meant by “reality TV.”

Cops is reality TV. A television crew travels with the officers and film what happens. That’s reality. However, most programs that are described as reality TV, including Mr Trump’s iteration, are nothing of the sort. They take naïve volunteers, put them into highly contrived situations, foment conflict and then edit it all together.

Unscripted? Yes. Reality? Forget about it!

And of course, Trump is the star of the show. His abilities are not in question and never tested. He just gets to judge those who are.

Trump’s other major media enterprises have been the Miss Universe pageant – and don’t tell me that’s democratic – and professional wrestling, which everyone knows is fake. In fact, it’s so fake that they don’t even bother pretending it isn’t fake – it’s just a kind of violent beefcake ballet. The point is, the winner is predetermined.

But let’s not forget that these are all sidelines in Trump’s business interests. He also owns casinos.

For those who don’t know what a casino is, I’ll explain: A casino is a place where people who don’t understand statistics go to give all their spare money to people who do.

The first and only thing you need to know about casinos is that the house always wins. (Which makes it all the more curious that Trump managed to bankrupt a few, but that’s another story.) Trump is the house.

When you look at his history, you can see how running for president is actually the most level playing field Trump has been on for decades. Having secured the nomination, he’s now up to the one part of the election he can’t buy or bully his way through – the part where all the people get to decide. And he’s losing – badly.

Having spent so long having the odds literally stacked in his favour, you can understand why he feels the system is rigged when it’s finally a true test of merits. He’s like the dog in the movie Bolt who, because of his training and grooming by producers, doesn’t understand that he’s not actually a superhero.

While Trump supporters have been tying themselves in knots trying to rationalise the “grab them by the pussy” comment (remember the Republicans are supposed to be the party of family values), the most honest explanation is that he’s like the notorious affluenza teen. He’s so privileged and detached from reality that he can’t properly distinguish right from wrong. And he also can’t understand what life is like when it isn’t actually rigged. Of course the election must be rigged if he isn’t winning.

I could almost feel sorry for him if he weren’t such a creep.

Vote your conscience, America.
 
  

Bring on Eurovision

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am actually looking forward to Eurovision this weekend.

Anyone who knows me, and most people who have read any of my work, will know that I am a music snob.  I make no excuses nor apologies for this.  I’m sure we’ve all seen the t-shirts or stickers that say things like “Life’s too short to drink bad coffee,” or bad wine or any number of similar sentiments.  I say life is too short to listen to bad music. 

Now, I am not the kind of snob who looks down upon people who do not share my tastes.  I don’t pity them or berate them for not listening to what I regard as good music.  If listening to music that I don’t like makes other people happy, then they are welcome to it, but I won’t be there with them.  Why should I waste one second my finite available time listening to One Dimension if I could be listening to Kate Bush? 

Eurovision has never bothered me as a music lover.  I’ve always considered it completely separate to anything to do with music.  It’s perfectly harmless trash.  My mother is an English and Literature teacher and she has always said it’s alright to read trash, so long as you know it’s trash.  I agree, and the same applies to music.  Fatboy Slim or Scissor Sisters have very little, if any, artistic value, but I love them anyway.  I may be a snob, but there’s nothing wrong with some good dumb fun now and then.

Typically, both participants and fans don’t pretend that Eurovision is any more than a bit of good dumb fun.  They don’t deny the trashiness, they revel in it.  While there is some pretence of taking the whole thing seriously, they know they’re not fooling anyone.

This stands in stark contrast to the manufactured reality masquerading as music shows in 2012.  Being known as a musical obsessive, I am sometimes asked if I watch Idol or X-Factor or The Voice or whatever other lamentable permutation of the same idea is popular that week.  If they are lucky, I usually respond by wondering aloud what I ever did to be treated with such disrespect.  Or, if I take pity on them, I might just say, “No, I prefer music.” 

Occasionally, a more foolhardy correspondent might try to make the idea appeal to me.
“Oh, but they’re doing a Beatles special next week.”
Yeah?  Really?  Is that supposed to impress me?
These shows are terrible enough when they’re murdering songs I don’t like – why on Earth would I want to hear what they do to songs I adore?
“One of them plays guitar and sang a song he wrote himself.”
Woop-de-friggin’-do! 
I’m old enough to remember when playing instruments and writing songs was the least we could expect of musical artists. 

This particular brand of “reality” television has been around for over five years now.  Has no-one else noticed that the charts are not awash with series winners?  There are a couple of early winners and finalists still visible, but not many.  Who won [Where-ever]’s Got Talent last year?  Who won X-Factor in 2010?  You don’t know, do you?  Is this not a sign that these programs are not all they’re cracked up to be?  The instant obscurity of series winners is quite predictable if you think about it.  The sweet 17yo who steals everyone’s hearts with her version of Mariah Carey’s Hero is not going to connect with people the same way when she releases, Generic-Pop-Song-Written-by-Record-Company-Staff-Writers, is she?  And when we have Dannii Minogue judging others’ talent and advising them on how to be successful in the music business, doesn’t anyone stop to think that they might just be taking the piss?

An English band formed in the late 80s and apparently still going, called themselves Pop Will Eat Itself.  In 2012, pop has eaten itself, vomited itself back up and is licking up the curdled remains.  For the third time. 

All of this would almost be tolerable if it were presented as simple dumb fun, but it isn’t.  It’s presented as an actual musical talent quest and human drama.  It clearly fools enough people to make them ask actual music lovers if they watch the show.

The fact that an original artist like Kate Miller-Heidke has to agree to spend an hour being a fifth wheel on Q and A just to be able to perform her song on television, at a time when the schedules are riddled with high-budget programs claiming to be about music, shows that something is terribly wrong.

If nothing else, Eurovision doesn’t try to be anything is isn’t.  Well, it does try a bit, but not very hard.  Eurovision knows it’s nothing but camp, trashy fun and so does everyone who watches it.  There are no tears, no tantrums, no judges leaping about like they’ve witnessed something that will change the world, no tear-jerking back-stories.  There will be the fake tension of the vote count but everybody knows that nobody cares.

It’s trash and I know it.  And they know it.  Given the state of music television today, that’s actually rather refreshing.
  

Don’t be a Loser

“Who here has never been in love?” asks the host from under an umbrella while the contestants stand in the rain.  “Come on, be honest!”  she goads as a few sheepishly put their hands up.

“The Biggest Loser this year, is all about singles,” we are told and there is so much wrong with this that I’m going to have a hard time putting it all in order without punching a few walls.

We can see what the basic idea is here.  The Biggest Loser has been going for a few years so it’s time to bring in a new gimmick by mashing it up with Farmer Wants a Wife or some such.  That would be bad enough.  Hell, the original idea of The Biggest Loser is bad enough.  Making weight loss a race is unhealthy in itself and they make their participants try to lose unhealthy amounts of weight over a dangerously short time period which risks triggering the body’s starvation response.  Most reality television is merely stupid but The Biggest Loser is seriously irresponsible. 

Now they’re making it even worse by making the humiliation not just about body image but about their love lives as well.  The message is clear: they’re too fat for love.  Ha ha!  Look at the fatties out in the rain!  They’ve never been in love!   They’re probably virgins!  Haha!  But, as the captions inform us, they’re “ready for love.”

“You’re all here because you want your lives to change,” lectures the presenter, who goes on to list some of the torment they are in for before stating, “At the end of it all, sixteen singles will be ready.”

Ready?  Ready for what, exactly?  Ready to submit themselves to the judgement of people who wouldn’t have looked at them before?  Ready to present themselves with confidence?  That’s got nothing to do with weight and if that is what was sapping their confidence, shows like The Biggest Loser have plenty to do with that. 

That promo got me angry enough, but this next one is even worse:

The contestants are forced to explain themselves, to explain how their weight has stopped them finding love.  One perfectly attractive girl says she has never kissed a boy while another poor lady is shown wondering how she can give someone a loving relationship if she doesn’t have the confidence to look at herself in the mirror.  None of this is challenged as the wrong way of looking at things.  It’s never pointed out that they have internalised the media’s perception of beauty or that accepting yourself doesn’t come from changing yourself.

Then there’s the soundtrack.  The use of the Beatles’ final ever song to promote crap like this is vulgar enough in itself, but let’s just think about the words of the song in relation to what it’s being used for.

It’s real Love,
Yes it’s real.

No.  It.  ISN’T!

Real love is for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.  If you need it spelled out for you, it also means for fat or for skinny you pricks!

We all know that ‘reality’ television is a social disease that chews people up and spits them out.  Most of the time, I don’t care.  If some precocious brats think that subjecting themselves to ridicule on The X Factor is going to set them on their way to becoming the next Miley Cyrus, or that their tomato-julienning skills are going to impress the pants off of Master Chef and have them rubbing shoulders with Heston Blumenthal, then more fool them.  I don’t give a shit.  But when television producers take a group of already vulnerable people and submit them to physical and psychological stress, and play on their insecurities, in public for fun and profit, under the guise of self-improvement – that’s when a civilised society should say Enough is enough!

I don’t blame the contestants.  I know what it’s like to be desperate for love and to be willing to try anything to find it.  To them I would say:  you are all beautiful and deserving of love just as you are.  If you want to try to lose weight for yourself, that’s fine.  But if you’re doing this because you think it’s the only way you can love or be loved, then I have to tell you that’s not how it works.  I never had a weight problem, but I never had a girlfriend until I was a couple of weeks off thirty.  I don’t know why, but I know it wasn’t weight.  Just because you’re single or lacking confidence doesn’t mean you have to put yourself through this.  And just look around at people who have partners.  Are they all TV beautiful?  Do they all have model figures?  Of course not!  If someone won’t accept you as you are now, then they don’t deserve you afterwards.  If there are people who would only love you if you lost weight, then fuck them and fuck anyone who tells you to.

There are many reasons why people watch reality television.  Some watch it because they’re silly enough to believe the premise of the show.  Some watch it to be catty about the contestants in their choice of song or frock or dish or whatever.  Some people watch it to hear what bitches the judges are.  As usual, the network and producers don’t care WHY you watch, so long as you watch.  That’s where you can make a difference.

Do NOT watch The Biggest Loser.  Don’t watch it, “just to see how bad it is,” or “just because it was on after ____,” or because they have a guest star you like.  Just do NOT watch it for any reason.  I want to be perfectly clear about this: if ANYONE watches The Biggest Loser for ANY reason, then YOU are the problem and I will blame you for it.