Morrissey: “What does this tell us about the state of Art in 2025?”

Dear Morrissey,

In your latest excuse for cancelling yet another show, you ponder: “No label will release our music, no radio will play our music… and yet our ticket sales are sensational. What does this tell us about the state of Art in 2025?”

There are several answers to this question, and they’re all patently obvious to anyone who has spent any time awake on Earth in the 21st century. 

And they all come down to the fact it’s no longer the 1990s. We cannot cling to those old dreams any more. No record company is going to give you a quarter-million dollar advance to do whatever you want. And when you realise it’s not the 1990s any more, you might also notice that you’re not 30 any more either, and perhaps consider not booking such an “exhausting” tour schedule.

You bemoan the lack of finance from record companies for you to tour, but why would they? Nobody buys physical albums any more, and they haven’t for 20 years. Had you not noticed? These days if an album has a physical release at all, it’s more likely to be on fancy vinyl aimed at a niche market and cost about $70. Singles aren’t even worth thinking about. The average consumer gets all their music from streaming now. Yes, even your fans. 

Gone are the days when tours promoted record sales. Today, albums are a loss-leader to promote concerts. Personally, I don’t like this situation any more than you do, but it’s something every artist has had to adjust to, from the bedroom guitarist with high hopes right up to Bruce Springsteen. 

What exactly do you think ticket sales have to do with having a record deal? To pick just three of your contemporaries, Echo and the Bunnymen, New Order, and Culture Club all continue to tour without any of them having released an album this decade. It doesn’t hurt that when they tour, they show up on time and treat their promoters, crew, and audience with respect. 

You know who else is doing a massively profitable tour without a record company? Oasis!

Now sure, you’re not Oasis. But the people buying Oasis tickets are doing so for exactly the same reason people buy Morrissey tickets: Nostalgia! 

No-one wants to see their favourite artists disappear up their own back catalogue, forsaking any relevance to today. But no-one wants to hear only the new album either. The people buying Morrissey tickets are not coming to hear unreleased songs from Bonfire of Teenagers. They are coming to hear How Soon Is Now?, Suedehead, Bigmouth Strikes Again, November Spawned a Monster, and Interesting Drug. I promise you, no-one standing through the tedious 40-minute YouTube playlist you present at the start of your show is turning to their friend and saying, “I hope he does Life is a Pigsty.” 

They are there to see the Morrissey who reminded them that it takes strength to be gentle and kind, not the Morrissey whose world is shaken by hearing foreign accents in the high street. I know the latter attitude has made you something of a cause célèbre among freedom-fetishising alt-right podcasters and their fans, but I’ll bet you a Johnny Marr signature Martin none of them could hum two bars of any of your songs. They’re not the ones going to your concerts because they’re just as scared to leave the house as you are.

So let’s instead focus on the good aspects of the music industry in 2025. These days, anyone can release an album entirely on their own terms. They probably won’t become a millionaire from it, but artistic integrity is priceless, no? Bonfire of Teenagers could be out tomorrow if you wanted it to be. If Bandcamp is good enough for Peter Gabriel, it’s good enough for you Sonny Jim!

But that would mean taking responsibility for your own career and that’s not what you want, is it? What you want is plausible deniability. You want an evil record label, promoter, or management company to blame when you inevitably shit in the nest again. 

And you’ve had a bad run with all of them, haven’t you? In an industry awash with opportunists and hangers-on, you have achieved what should be impossible. You have completely run out of people willing to work with you. Despite excellent brand recognition, your reputation for being devious, truculent and unreliable precedes you to the point where even the most desperate try-hard refuses to touch you. Being Morrissey’s manager is like being Donald Trump’s lawyer. The first sign of incompetence is taking on the client in the first place. 

Having an ugly bust-up with one label or management company is to be expected. It’s virtually a rock and roll rite of passage. To have it happen with every company you’ve ever dealt with is a different story. 

It’s you, Steven. You’re the problem. 
   

The curious case of President Gary and Mr Jellybean

There are basically three types of Trump supporters.

There are the ones who are so brainwashed as to be in complete denial of the fact he is the most malignant sack of shit to freely walk the Earth at this point in time.

There are the ones who are well aware he is a malignant sack of shit and that’s just the way they like it because they’re toxic chauvinists as well. They finally feel represented. These people would happily watch the world burn so long as the guy who flicks the match yells, “AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!” as he does it.

The third type is the one I think is probably the largest group. They’re the less radical of the right wing – the traditional Republican voters. They know full well he is the antithesis of the values and character they’ve tried to bash Democrats over the head with for the last fifty years.  But at the end of the day world, he’s a Republican, he upsets lefties, and he promises tax cuts, so they’re on board. They just need to find a way to rationalise it to themselves.

“It’s not the person or the personality,” they say, “it’s the policy.”

I couldn’t agree more.

In fact, I said the very same thing about Bill Clinton. And then I was shouted down by the same people who now say Trump’s character doesn’t matter.

So let’s talk about policy.

And in order to take personality completely out of the equation, let’s talk about a hypothetical president. We’ll call him President Gary.

President Gary has just assumed the presidency having run on a platform of cutting government waste. And also a bunch of other stuff it’s best we don’t mention at the moment.

Cutting waste is certainly a worthy objective. No reasonable person would object to this.

President Gary appoints his new friend, who we will call Mr Jellybean, to be the one who finds and cuts the waste. He gives Mr Jellybean free and unfettered access to all aspects of government, and the power to defund or abolish entire arms of government and fire everyone who works for them.

Of course, Mr Jellybean can’t do all this on his own. He needs to bring a team in to help. Now you might imagine the team would include some elite forensic accountants but no. They are made up of coders in their late teens and early 20s who previously interned for Mr Jellybean.

Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous but remember, this is just a hypothetical.

In this hypothetical situation, Mr Jellybean is notionally the head of a department but the department isn’t real. It hasn’t been ratified by Congress, it exists in name only. The handy thing about this is that Mr Jellybean does not require Senate confirmation. He acts with the authority of President Gary, basically because President Gary says so.

Here’s the funny thing though: Mr Jellybean himself is a billionaire. A multi, multi billionaire. And he made a large chunk of his billions through government contracts.

If this sounds a bit strange then just hold that thought because I’m not finished yet.

Several of Mr Jellybean’s companies are currently under investigation for malfeasance by several government departments. The very same departments President Gary has given Mr Jellybean the summary authority to shut down.

I stress again, this is merely a hypothetical situation.

And in this hypothetical situation, free from any considerations of personal history, personal behaviour or – dare I suggest – party affiliation, what do we make of what’s going on?

A reasonable person would surely conclude that President Gary is, at the very best, dangerously naïve for thinking Mr Jellybean will act completely and exclusively in the national interest. Less generous people might even speculate that President Gary and Mr Jellybean may be colluding to subvert justice and due process in the name of saving tax dollars.

Oh, did I mention Mr Jellybean named his non-existent department after a cryptocurrency which was originally created as a joke based on a meme of a fluffy dog? And that he recently changed his social media name to Harry Bōlz? No, he’s not twelve. Why do you ask?

Now what if I told you none of this is hypothetical?

Over to you, patriots and policy wonks.

What’s your response to the scenario laid out here, ignoring all other considerations? You can leave your response free of charge in the handy space provided below.

 

 

Tariffs for Dummies

I’m not an economist but I’m not an idiot either. Or perhaps I repeat myself.

Tariffs are a tax on imports. The tax is paid by the business or entity importing the products into the destination country, not by the exporting country of origin. With me so far? Good.

And the importing business would not be an importing business for much longer if it didn’t pass the cost of the import tax on to the customer, right? Okay, fine!

Imports by Nick Youngson CC BY-SA 3.0 Pix4free

So, what’s wrong with this?

Well, nothing.

Tariffs have long been used as a way of protecting local producers from being undercut by cheap imports. We all support buying local whenever possible.

However…

The market has become so unbalanced that no reasonable amount of tariffs are going to change anything for the better.

For example…

The US market (and most of the first world) has decided they’d rather pay $5 at Wal Mart (or equivalent) for t-shirts made in China, than $50 for locally made t-shirts.

So even if you put 100% tariffs on those Chinese t-shirts, they would then cost $10, and the American made t-shirts will still cost $50. It doesn’t benefit the local producers because the imports are still way cheaper, and the people most affected are the ones who can least afford it – if that’s something you care about.

The only benefit is to federal tax revenue which, as the new administration has said, will only go towards tax cuts for those who least need it. Who benefits? Nobody you know.

In this example, there are only two ways to create a level playing field for American t-shirt manufacturers:

a: Raise import taxes to 1000%.

b: Pay US textile workers $2 a day to work 12-hour days with one day off per month.

I’m not sure any reasonable person would think either of those options is a good idea. Yet, this is the economy we have created. The market has decided.

And I’m all for walking back some of the market’s decisions and making things fairer for everyone. But if you think punitive tariffs are a magic cure-all, then I’ve got a large Arctic country to sell you at a knock-down price.

  

 

On celebrity autism

Content warning: ASD discussion...

 

I'm no expert but I have worked with a lot of people on the autism spectrum.

One of the biggest challenges is trying to figure out when their behaviour is a manifestation of their condition, and when they are using it as an excuse for being lazy or rude or otherwise anti-social. That sounds harsh, but it’s accurate.

But regardless of whether it’s one or the other, it's part of my job to help them understand what is socially acceptable. I've had to tell a student he can't just go to sleep on the floor when he’s bored. Sure, it's harmless, but it freaks people out.

I’ve had another student who is hyper-aware of his condition and obsesses over people not making allowances for it. I ended up telling him, “Unless you want to wear a badge that says, ‘I’m autistic, please be nice to me,’ then the world has already adjusted to you as much as it's going to.” You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes.

And that brings us back around to Elon and Kanye. An autism spectrum diagnosis (and I do mean diagnosis) may explain their behaviour but it does not excuse it.

This is not an unfortunate still taken out of context.
This is an adult who should know better.

In such a situation, it’s incumbent upon those around the individual in question to help them understand what is socially acceptable – and if they can’t understand it, at least act within what polite society considers appropriate.

I’ve been there myself. As I child, I was in the front room playing and I held my right arm out in a way that I had seen a robot in a movie do to zap some bad guys. Or maybe they were good guys – I don’t remember and it’s hardly relevant. My father sat me down and explained that we never EVER hold an arm out like that.

I was confused. Didn’t he understand I was just being like that robot in that movie? (He didn’t. And that’s fair enough) But after a few minutes I understood and I never did it again. I was 8.

Being on the spectrum and being a dickhead are not mutually exclusive.

I’ve written before about my own mental condition and I can tell you from experience that when someone uses a mental condition as an excuse for being a dickhead, it’s because they’re a dickhead, not because of any condition.

Autism conditions can be perfectly manageable if the individual and those around them (not necessarily in that order) are willing to manage it

Anyone who can’t make a gesture saying, “My heart goes out to you,” without it looking like a Nazi salute has deeper problems than being on the spectrum. Saying, “I’m a bit socially awkward cos autism,” is not just a pissweak excuse, it’s an insult to all those on the spectrum who have struggled for years to adjust to social norms which don’t compute for them.

 

 

Presenting my credentials

It’s been less than a week and already the hype over the Oasis reunion has jumped the shark.

I know this because none other than the Manchester Evening News has hung an entire article on the bleeding obvious observation that with the gigs over a year away, Oasis could easily break up again before they happen.

Who did they consult for the most daring prediction this side of “it might rain before then”? Apparently, you need an “Oasis expert” for that. With a PhD.

Don’t get me wrong, my love for Oasis is matched only by my disgust at Gen-Xers becoming everything we rightly mocked boomers for in taking ourselves way too seriously.

So, if “Oasis expert” is now a thing, and not just a category on Mastermind or Hard Quiz, I present to you all my areas of expertise which in a just world would be mocked, but I won’t walk away from fools and their money.

 

Latest research from Birmingham City
University faculty of YA THINK??

Senior research fellow at the institute of beer and chips

Beatologist

Cola connoisseur

Windows specialist

Chord sommelier

Satire historian

Honorary fellow in pre-internet isolation

Self-love consultant

Oasis expert (oh yes! Come at me Dr Matt!)

Lennonist

Smithsonian, including solo careers, specialising in the Decline and Fall of Morrissey

 

But, I have an eye to the future as well, so here are some fields I am moving into:

 

Professor of Swiftonomics

The socio-economic effects of streaming

Post-social media landscape navigator

 

So, reporters, editors, producers… if you have some space or time to fill, hit me up! Oh, and if this all seems a bit too highbrow for ya, I can also talk shit. 

  

 

 

 

Thoughts I’d rather not have about things I’d rather not know...

Despite being the prettiest public face of a living anachronism, and taking far more than she gives back, I do not believe Kate Middleton owes the British public a lap dance (or the aristocracy’s equivalent) once a week.

I’m as anti-royalist as they come. I believe they should be treated like anyone else, and that includes leaving them the fuck alone when they need time to themselves. First and foremost, she’s a human being, and THAT should have been the angle the Firm took from the beginning.

The monarch may run the country but in modern times, another runs the family. That used to be Prince Phillip. When Phil the Greek died, that job went to Anne, who seems pretty level-headed for a princess and I thought she would have run things better.

As a PR firm – which is what they are – the British royal family’s principle of ‘never complain, never explain,’ is a smart one which other celebrities and their handlers could learn from. Imagine the power Trump and his puppet masters could wield if he didn’t screw it up on an hourly basis by being such an inveterate, narcissistic whineypants.

The Firm screwed this up royally by issuing a happy snap in response to the gossip. I DGAF that it was touched up. Of course it was! They all are. So is my profile picture. Send me to the tower! And as a happily childless person, even I know kids do weird shit with their fingers, especially when they’re nervous, like when someone is pointing a camera at them and telling them to look naturally happy. I still do and you probably do too.

But to then throw Kate under the double-decker by claiming she was the one who edited it? Prince, please! They literally have people to pick things up off the floor for them and we’re expected to believe the presumptive next queen consort does her own photoshopping?

Anyone who claims to support royalty should leave her alone. Anyone like me, who doesn’t support royalty, should also leave her alone, tempting though it is to use this as an example of how pointless and irrelevant royalty is. I’m aware of the irony of what I’ve just said. I would rather not know any of this but there are things you just can’t help learning and thinking people just can’t help forming an opinion on them.

If this were the biggest scandal in the world, they’d be doing a fine job!