On Welcome to Country

The Australian tradition of Welcome to Country has become a topic of conversation again, primarily because some American blowhards watching the Melbourne NFL game were confused by it.

For a start, this is a conversation for Australians to have amongst ourselves, not for some foreign blow-ins who have never even tasted a meat pie to lecture us on. It’s somewhat comical that the same people who say every migrant should leave their own culture behind and submit to the Australian way, fall over themselves to agree when an American says we suck.

The local criticism of Welcome to Country comes down to several points:

• It’s performative
• It’s symbolic
• It doesn’t achieve anything
• It’s virtue signalling

You know what? I’m inclined to agree.

But if you think about it for just a few seconds, there are plenty of other rituals performed at public events that you could say exactly the same thing about.

What about flying the national flag?

What about singing the national anthem?

It’s ALL performative virtue signalling that doesn’t achieve anything. No one was raised out of poverty by a rousing rendition of Advance Australia Fair.

And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.

You want to fly the flag? Fly the flag!

You want to sing the anthem? Go for your life! Just try to stay in tune.

You want to pledge allegiance to the king? Well, I’m not going to join you, but you do whatever makes you happy.

Just don’t try to tell me it isn’t performative symbolism, because it is. It’s no more or less performative depending on whether you like it or not.

So, make all the criticisms you feel are valid. Just try to keep them consistent, because we’d all have a lot more time if we abandoned everything anyone thought was symbolic and didn’t achieve anything.

   

Yes Dave, you are an elite

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A post shared by Dave Hughes (@dhughesy)

Yes Dave, you are an elite, and I’ll explain why. 

Firstly, I get where you’re coming from. You still talk like you left school at 12, you still look like the ‘after’ picture on an anti-drugs campaign, but you are an elite now. 

It’s a trap many comedians before you have fallen into. They start out talking about things like growing up in the suburbs, bad dates, their shitbox car, shift work… things lots of people can relate to. 

But if they’re not smart, once they have some success, they’ll keep talking about things that happen to them as if they happen to everyone else; things like hotel service, or air travel, or property taxes. 

Then, if they’re really unwise, they’ll blame their audience when the new material doesn’t land the way it used to, instead of doing what they are supposed to do by reading the room. 

And yes, I know you’re complaining about the government, which is always a rich seam for comedy. The difference is why you’re complaining. 

You could point out that one week’s unemployment benefit is equal to one night’s accommodation allowance for an MP, which they still get whether they spend the night in a hotel room, a share house, or a property owned by their spouse. That’s pretty hilarious, eh?

Or there’s the fact that we subsidise the extraction of minerals and energy when the companies that earn billions from doing it pay bugger all in tax. What’s all that about?

But capital gains tax? Really, Dave? You think the punters are going to come with you on property values? 

You may still talk like a bogan but what you’re saying sounds like it would come from Gerry Harvey - and you can take that any way you like. As a professional, you ought to know what Aussies can spot a poser a mile away, and that’s what you’ve become.

I remember 20 years ago there was a show called The Glasshouse. There was a bloke on there who would have ripped into anyone with the temerity to complain about his lot when he owned more houses than he could live in. It probably would have started with, “Ooh, I’m not happy!” 

But hey, things change, right?

Well, maybe they have for you. And good on you for it. You worked hard, you took that Channel 10 cash for all it was worth, you invested it wisely, good for you! 

That doesn’t mean the rest of us shitkickers - ie your audience - aren’t still wondering if we’re ever going to be able to own one property. To live in! Ever! 

So yes Dave, you’re an elite now. And no-one is saying there’s anything wrong with that. You were born bogan and now you’re an elite. Well done, you! If you’re comfortable with who you are, just own it. If you’re not, then do something about it. 

Oh, by the way, the “typical Aussie bloke,” (as your website describes you) doesn’t usually pose for selfies with the opposition leader while having coffee. Elites do.  

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And THIS is why you don’t let a 6x bankrupt run a country

 

Think the bankruptcies and the idiocy over attacking Iran aren’t connected?

Well, let’s think it through…

Okay, so the bankruptcies were technically legal and he used the system to his advantage so that makes him smart.

Whatever. That’s not the point.

The point is this is a man who is used to having someone else come in and clean up the mess he’s made while he wipes the slate clean and merrily staggers on to his next inevitable fuckup.

Look at his history. You know it’s true.

In fact, it’s this very appalling lack of consequences for decades of hubristic malfeasance that makes him a hero to many.

Turns out international relations don’t work that way. Who knew?

 

As that well-known anti-American radical leftist Colin “I’m not reading this, it’s bullshit” Powell said, You break it, you own it.

You wouldn’t drive your car into someone’s house and then expect them to fix the damage for you. Mind you, this numb nut possibly would.

My suggestion to the US administration is to take the advice of one of MAGA’s favourite thinkers: Clean your room!

 

Diplomatic language is not folly, it’s a necessary façade

Paul Daley wrote a piece in The Guardian yesterday called The dangerous folly of Australia’s come-what-may sycophancy towards Trump is on full display. In it, he argues that America and its position has changed, and Australia is foolish to continue to act as unquestioning allies.

Everything said in the piece is true and all the points made are valid ones.

Here’s a counterpoint though:

There is nothing to be gained for Australia from hairy-chested opposition to the new US administration. Not in public, anyway.

Most people who work with Trump know full well he is a psychopath. The only difference is whether they think it’s a good thing to be used to their advantage (possibly because they’re psychopaths too), or a bad thing to be managed since the highest court in the country has ruled the president untouchable.

Falling into the latter category was Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Mark Milley. Observing Trump’s mental breakdown following his 2020 election loss, Gen. Milley called a secret meeting of officials in charge of the National Military Command Centre and instructed them not to take orders from anyone unless he was involved.

He also made contact with the Chinese military to assure them there would be not be any attack, no matter what rhetoric they may hear.

This is what patriotism looks like.

While Elon Musk and his teenage army of bad coders are conducting an ideological purge of all US government mechanisms on Trump’s behalf, it is reasonable to expect there are still a few General Milleys around.

In the meantime, it does not advance Australia’s interests to antagonise a man and an administration who above all want to be admired and feared. Especially when between them, they probably couldn’t name Australia’s prime minister or find Australia on a map. Trump clearly has NFI what AUKUS is.

Much as I despise the “small target” strategy which Labor has employed for the last 30 years on every level with varying degrees of failure, dealing with Trump is one time where it’s appropriate.

Everyone in the Australian government knows Trump is an idiot and they all know we know it too. Saying so out loud in an official capacity, while being a commendable statement of principle, would not achieve anything positive for anyone.

Diplomacy with the Trump administration is all about letting the baby have his bottle. It’s not about appeasing a tyrant, which Trump undoubtedly is. It’s about leveraging the mentality of a man who will agree with whoever he last spoke to as long as they tell him how big and strong he is, to our advantage.

Maintaining normal diplomatic language towards the US government is no less a dangerous folly than tubthumping denouncement which would only achieve a pyrrhic victory at best. International diplomacy is about saying what you need to get what you want while knowing where you stand. 

Clancy of the Overflowing Inbox

 

I had written him an email

Which I had, for want of urgent action,

Sent to his personal account around 9 o’clock last night.

And an answer came delayed,

And the excuse that he had made,

Was “Sorry, didn’t see your message, had to catch an early flight.”

 

In my wild erratic fancy,

Visions come to me of Clancy,

On the red-eye back to Canberra with no wifi on the plane.

So I called him to a meeting,

And without extraneous greeting,

Told him, “You belong to me, my son, don't let it happen again!”