The new Australian history

Following the news that Tony Abbott wants to rewrite the history curriculum, I wonder what a Liberal-approved Australian history curriculum would look like…


Once upon a time, there was a big wide country with nobody in it.

Then one day, some enterprising young men set out on an expedition to see what there was in part of the world that couldn’t be seen.  Led by Captain Cook, they discovered a land of boundless riches and claimed it for His Majesty the King, as was the culture.

Labourers were needed to maximise the value of this wonderful new continent. As luck would have it, the Mother Country had an oversupply of nasty people. So they decided to send the nasty people to this wonderful new continent. It was to everyone’s advantage. Great Britain got to have its nasty people taken away, and the nasty people got to see the world and learn the value of hard work.  Their hard work was rewarded with their eventual freedom and some were even allowed to own some parts of the new country to help develop both their own and the nation’s potential.

The plan worked so well that eventually Great Britain didn’t need to send nasty people there any more and the new country didn’t need to have them sent and everyone was happy. The new country still received many great gifts form the mother country such as western civilisation, the Westminster system of government, and rabbits.

Eventually, it was time for this great new place to become an independent country called Australia, but you are always a part of your family and although Australia was no longer governed by Great Britain, there were ties that could never be broken.

The strength of these ties was shown in 1915 when, as Britain went to war, so did Australia and in this way, Australia became a man. The first operation was Gallipoli and there was forged the Anzac spirit of always obeying your betters. A few things went wrong but the war was won.

In the 1930s, there was the great depression. Back then, they understood that it would be foolish to try some left-wing scheme of stimulating the economy. We came out stronger for it. Many people would have starved to death if it weren’t for the rabbits that were brought over many years earlier, which tells us that the wisdom of our ancestors isn’t always apparent at the time and that we should not question the judgement of those in authority.

The 1930s also introduced us to the greatest ever Australian, Sir Donald Bradman. For those of you with older books that mention Henry Lawson or Weary Dunlop, cross those out.  Sir Donald Bradman was a man who was very good at playing cricket and he was the greatest ever Australian. Yes, even greater than John Howard. That’s how great he was.

There was another war and this time, while Australia was defending Britain, Australia herself was attacked and was placed in the sad position of having to bring her soldiers back from Europe in order to defend herself.

After the war, Australia’s equal greatest prime minister Sir Robert Menzies founded the Liberal Party of Australia as a new alternative to union thugs. He ushered in a Golden Age of prosperity and happiness throughout the 1950s and 60s. Of course, someone had to build all this prosperity, and because Great Britain wasn’t sending us her nasty people any more, we had to let others into the country. They weren’t really nasty, just foreign, and that was nasty enough at a time when people were used to being just like Great Britain only sunny. Eventually, the foreigners learned to be proper Australians so that was alright.

To maintain the balance, Australia made it easier for nice people from Great Britain to come here, and that’s how we got great Australians like Tony Abbott.

Sadly, Sir Robert Menzies could not govern forever and things went downhill after his retirement. Firstly, some people started saying that there actually were people in Australia before it was discovered by Captain Cook, but that’s all in the past now so there’s no point dwelling on it.

Then in the 1970s, after decades of irrelevance, the unionists came to power in Canberra and immediately started dangerous and irresponsible policies like free education and national health cover. Eventually, the Liberal opposition was forced, for the good of the country, to block the government’s money bills. In the face of this crisis, Governor General Sir John Kerr did the only thing he could do and dismissed the government, prompting a new election and thankfully, order was restored.

Apart from Australia winning the America’s Cup, nothing much happened after that until the election of Australia’s other equal greatest prime minister, John Howard, who brought with him a second Golden Age of safety, stability and security.

Unfortunately for all of us, Mr Howard lost the 2007 election and the incoming government reversed many of his policies because they weren’t “politically correct.” Write that down now, and be sure to use the inverted commas, they are very important.

These days, Australia has lost her way, having lacked the strong guidance of business and free enterprise, which is why we should redouble our efforts to return Australia to the greatness she enjoyed during the Menzies and Howard years.

And now for the test:

Australia is…
A: Awesome    
B: Totally awesome   
C: The greatest country in the world   
D: I’m a “politically correct” leftie unionist thug and I hate Australia