BUSINESS NEWS: Rupert Murdoch divorces self, splits into two separate entities

Global media tycoon Rupert Murdoch announced yesterday that he will be splitting himself into two separate entities, each of which will focus on different areas of the cartoon villain’s id.

Picture source

The first half, to be called Murdoch, will become the head of News Corp and all its subsidiaries and continue the former Rupert Murdoch’s hobby as international kingmaker.  The second half, to be named Rupert, will fill the role of the doddery, forgetful, but kind of lovable old man and will be responsible for schmoozing celebrities, liaising with law enforcement and appearing before government enquiries.

When asked about the unconventional split, the newly renamed Murdoch said, “It’s not new. It’s been done before. Prince was the first to try it back in the 90s. The problem with that was that he only had one name in the first place so he had to use that love symbol thingy. That was never going to work, if only because my printers weren’t going to retool for that little pissant.”

However, the singularly named Murdoch added, “The idea of trying to wriggle out of his responsibilities by claiming the bloke who signed the contract didn’t exist any more was pure bloody genius though. It might not have worked for him, but we reckon we’ve got the idea perfected now.”

When asked for comment, the segment of the former Rupert Murdoch now named Rupert stated, “Ducks. Lots of ducks. Pretty ducks on a pond. James? Are you there James? Where’s me cocoa?”

Shares in News Ltd companies rose after the news that Rupert would be assisting police with their ongoing enquiries.