In his latest act of ruling by fiat – which I’m sure is as the founders intended – Donald Trump claims he’s restoring water pressure to showers.
Never mind the fact that the low-flow attachments are easily removed and Trump’s order will not make them disappear. In fact, I’ll bet every knuckle-dragger in a red hat will claim they’ve just had the best shower they’ve had since 2008 just because Trump said so.
It’s stupid, but it’s harmless stupid. Given that everything Trump does is stupid, let’s be thankful for small mercies and go with the harmless ones.
Here are some suggestions for next week, with appropriately Trumpian explanations:
Regulating Auditory Output in Broadcasting
April 13, 2025
Didja ever notice the ads on TV always seem louder than the shows? I’m tryin’ to watch Hannity and I gotta crank the sound all the way up just to hear all the great things he’s sayin’ about me. And then he throws to a commercial and it nearly blows your damn head off! So ya gotta reach for the remote and turn it down before your ears start to bleed. But then the show comes back on and I can’t hear anything. What’s with that? We’re putting a stop to it right now.
Bringing Usability to Adhesive Products
April 14, 2025
You know those rolls of Scotch tape? They always come with a little thing on the end so you can find where to start peeling it real easy. But then once you’ve used it, it sticks down and you can never find the end. We’re gonna force manufacturers to put those little things at the end every two inches along the tape so you’re not driven crazy trying to find the end again. This should have been done years ago. I’m very smart!
Restoring the Honor of Women in the Media
April 15, 2025
There’s this thing with women on TV wearing suits and shirts and ties. Have you noticed that? I’ve noticed it. I don’t get it. Why would you wanna make women dress like that? These women are beautiful. Of course they’re beautiful, they’re on TV. Who wants to see a woman dressed like a man? I don’t know what I’m looking at! Half the time I’m thinking, “Who’s this dude with long blonde hair and eye shadow who’s making me kinda horny?” Women never wore ties when I was growing up. Ties are what men wear. We’re gonna allow women to be women again.
Mordernizing Beverage Container Sealing Initiative
April 16, 2025
Modern soda bottles, I tell ya! You know they made the bottle caps so small. It’s supposed to be for the environment, so you know it’s all a hoax! And they’ve got that little ring, right? This little ring that’s supposed to break off when you open the cap. But it never breaks off properly! I’ve tried it! You’ve gotta go, “Oooh” this way, then you’ve gotta go “Ahh” that way, and most of the time that doesn’t even work, so you’ve gotta go “wiggle… wiggle… wiggle… wiggle… … wiggle…” and even then it gets stuck on half way. You could cut your lip. You risk bleeding to death just coz you’re thirsty. And by the time you get it off, your soda’s gone flat and disgusting. We’re banning those stupid rings. You’re welcome!
Making Umbrellas Great again. MUGA!
April 17, 2025
How come you can’t get umbrellas closed? Nobody knows how to do it. I don’t know how to do it and I’m a genius so obviously nobody else can either. We’re gonna force companies to make umbrellas close again. I hear makers saying their umbrellas are closable so it’s working already. Why couldn’t Sleepy Joe Biden have done this? MUGA!
Uniting America Through Common Timekeeping
April 18, 2025
It makes no sense that patriotic Americans in places like Florida have to stay up late to see the game just because it’s being played in a “left coast” state like California. People doing business in New York have to wait until lunchtime because the crazies in San Francisco don’t wake up until 3 hours later. From this moment forward, America will have one time zone. There will be no central time, mountain time, crazy kook west coast time, there will just be American time. They will call it Freedom Day!
Modification to Government Record Keeping
April 19, 2025
It isn’t 1812 or whatever anymore, right? You gotta be able to read if laws are signed. And all these damn bills signed in ballpoint or maybe even a fountain pen… do you know anyone who uses a fountain pen? I can’t get ’em to work. And I don’t have to cos I got something way better! This stuff doesn’t even show up on TV cameras properly so how does anyone know if it’s been signed and by who, right? This big, beautiful order declares null and void any law where the signature lines aren’t at least 1/8th inch thick Sharpie. I have one right here, isn’t it beautiful? And it smells great too. Here, smell that. Doesn’t that smell great? You see what I mean now, don’tcha? It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?
